Stand by Me

Sorry everyone, but I'm just feeling the need to ramble right now. Listening to this song I love, "Stand By Me", almost made me cry because that's so much what I want right now. I mean, I know I've got people that are here for me forever and always, no matter what, but lately I've been feeling the overwhelming need to have someone physically HERE with me right now. This past week especially I've felt really, what I like to call "cuddly". I've felt like I want to curl up in someone's lap and arms and just feel that closeness, that embrace, like I'm loved and safe. I'm a very physical person so getting the physical hugs and closeness and whatnot is extremely important for me. I got to see some of my college/grad-school friends after the church service today and I loved getting to see them but the person that really stuck out today was Logan. When I came up to her she hugs me, and not one of those absent-minded "oh, hey" hugs, it was tight and full of love; it made me feel so loved and so safe; like she wouldn't ever let go if I didn't want her to and if I hugged tighter, so did she. If that weren't fantastic enough, she also took the time to talk to me and actually hold a real consersation. I loved every second of it. When she finally needed to go, she gave me another one of those so-amazing-and-exactly-what-you-need-they-make-you-wanna-cry hugs. That was one of the highlights of my day and my week as well, simply because it was all I'd been wanting all week, maybe longer, but had never been able to attain. Just with that hug, she told me that she loved me, I was safe, she would never desert me, and everything was going to be okay, but it was okay to be scared and struggle too. She probably didn't know what that meant to me, but the important thing is that it really hit the spot emotionally and all those things is represented ring true.
I hope everything really is going to be okay...

Through It All

While riding home from bible study tonight, I was listening to the songs sung by a very dear friend of mine. As one of my particular favorites started, I really listened to the words and it just spoke to me. "Through It All" by Katelyn & Karen has always been special to me, but tonight, as I listened to it yet again, I realized that the lyrics from that songs fit exactly to my life right now.

Through It All
I've been running for far too long
Losing track of where I belong
Needing something to see me through
Forgetting grace that's found in you

Through it all you're still waiting
Through it all you never gave up
Now you've led me out to the desert
Speak to me and restore my soul

Every time I think I've learned
The next trial leaves me burned
In the struggle your arms open wide
And patient love draws me to your side

I'll never understand
Never comprehend
Why you don't abandon me
You refuse to leave


I've been going through a really difficult time for quite a while now and alot of that time consisted of my turning my back on God and not wanting much to do with Him at all. Prayer almost never happens anymore and, though I feel bad for saying it, I've often felt like I just want Him to leave me alone, but, just like the song says, He's still waiting, He never gives up and He refuses to leave me, even when I feel like that's what I want. He has remained steadfast through everything and won't abandon me, no matter how much I run. I too and forgetting all He has given me and the grace and peace that is found in Him. I think I really have lost track of where I belong; lost my way, but He is always there guiding me, forever patient and always present Through It All.

"Nannie!"

The other day, my mother shared yet another memory from Alli's life with me; another piece of her and of who she was. She told me that when she lived next door to the Hunts in Nacadocious she was home by herself one day when she heard the front door open. In just a minute she heard "Nannie!" Apparently little Allison, only about 2 years old at the time, had either found a house door she could open or had been playing in the backyard and gone out the gate and walked next door to my mom's all by herself. Once my mom realized, Alli was alone, she told her something to the tune of "Now Allison, you can't some over here by yourself. Mommy and Daddy dont' know where you are." Allison replied in the sweetest little toddler voice "But I want to see you." My mom explained to her again that she just could not come over alone anytime she wanted and promply took her back home. Once home, her parents explained to her that she couldn't do that, yet a few days later my mom again heard the door open and "Nannie!". She went to Alli and said "Now Allison, Mommy and Daddy told you you can't come over here by yourself. You know you're gonna get a spanking when you get home." Little Alli cried all the way back home. This went on several more times before it finally stopped.
I just thought this was a really precious story and it means alot to be, simply because it's another piece, another memory, from Alli's life. For me right now, discovering her is like gathering puzzle pieces back up after you've dropped the box on the floor. Some of the pieces are right there in front of you, while others have bounced under the sofa or the chair or may be residing right under your foot. You just have to take the time to seek all of them out, one by one...kind of like a giant scavenger hunt. Once I've found all the pieces, I'm hoping to be able to stand back and look at the complete person of who Alli really was, inside and out, though I know there will always be a few pieces missing; pieces only obtained by knowing her and speaking with her personally and, in some cases, by being inside her head. In fact, I don't know that anyone but God Himself will ever really have all the pieces to anyone else's life. The only person that can truely fill in their puzzle all the way is the person themself.

My Mentor

Well, for those of you who were wondering (*cough cough* Mandy *cough cough* lol!), my first meeting with my mentor went great! Melissa is absolutly wonderful and I love her already. She has a precious 10-month-old baby girl named Elizabeth, and her husband is very nice as well. My partner is back in town now, but apparently she was exposed to ceder (which she's allergic to) at the retreat, so last I heard she was seeing double, her eyes were all itchy and watery, her throat felt weird and ect., so we still have yet to get all three of us in the same room at the same time, but I know it'll work out. Kerri said she should be at church Sun. and Melissa's meeting us that day, so that should be good. I'm really excited about this oppertunity and I know it'll do great things for all three of us.

I'll write more about her later, as it's almost midnight at the moment and I have school tomorrow. Plus, they're definently be more once I know her better. : )

First meeting

Well here' goes everyone. In just a little over 3 hours I meet my mentor for the first time! I'm really excited, but nervous too. What will she be like? Will she really like me? Will I really like her? Will we hit it off right away? How will we get along? Will I be too much for her? Will Kerri be too much for her? How will she like Kerri? How will Kerri like her? So many questions. At the same time though, it's exciting meeting someone new. I don't know her yet, but I just have this feeling...I'm going to love her and I'm going to trust her. That's really all that matters. And, with a little work, I think Kerri can trust her too. I have faith in her and in Him who has provided her for us. I'll still stay close with Logan and Stu has put alot of thought and probably prayer into the pairings for this program and as nervous as I am, I have faith that he's matched the three of us up right.

Our orientation starts at 7:15 tonight and I have her all to myself this firest night since Kerri's out of town 'till Tues., which is probably best, so I'll let everyone know all about her and how it goes when I get home and have all my homework done (which means it could end up being tomorrow. lol!).

Wish me luck! : )

An unexpected privilage

I've been taking ASL at school this year and I really love the class. I'm learning fast and it's really enjoyable. Last Wednesday I have the amazing oppertunity to make a new, particularly special friend. Our youth minister has been recruiting some of the new Seminary girls to help out with the youth, especially with the new mentor program and that's where Logan came in. We don't normally have many new adults, so naturally when I see a new one I'm curious and want to meet them. After just a moment of listening her and Andrew talked, I noticed that her voice sounded alot like a deaf person's, only not as noticable, but she could obviously hear what Andrew was saying so I wasn't sure. Then I got to meet her and I found out that I was correct-she's hard-of-hearing. For any of you who don't know, this means she's not fully deaf, but she doesn't hear as well as a normal person, which is why her voice sounds different, though I think it sounds awesome and her singing voice is beautiful (her hearing is at about 40%). She also wears either a hearing aide or implant, I'm not sure which, to help her pick up more. After hanging out with her, I found her to be such an awesome and amazing person that I really look forward to spending more time with and getting to know better.

Especially because I'm taking ASL, I am so fortunate to have met Logan and I see it as an amazing privilage. She's really not much different than anyone else and she's so much fun! I can't wait until I get to see her again and I look forward to getting to know her better and her becoming a part of my life. :)

If I could really say how I feel...

I am SO sick of people telling me I don't understand! Do they ever think that maybe THEY are the ones that don't understand?! My oldest sister always tells me that I don't understand that she's in college and she's busy and she's lived like an only child most of her life and blah blah blah, but you know what? I DO understand. SHE doesn't seem to. I KNOW she's busy but what she doesn't seem to get is that regardless, she IS my big sister and she DOES have a little sister so she has a responsibility to me and she doesn't seem to understand that I need to talk to her every once and a while, especially since I havn't seen her for 3 years! My other sister takes her stress over other things out on me and I'm tried of it. I take it because she's my sister and I love her, but what she doesn't realize is that when she does that it makes me not want to come to her with things that have happened or my problems. I don't like this person she's been lately. I want my sister back. I want back the person that told me it's okay and always listened to me and the person I talked to almost everyday and told everything to, not this person that's telling a 16 year old that they need to grow up and be an adult.

I'm sick of people ducking out on me and not coming through. I can't do this much longer. Before long I won't trust anyone anymore and I don't want that to happen. I know they try, but really, I'd rather them either make more of an effort or just promise less because I can't take the broken promises, I just can't.

I'm sick of people not taking me seriously. You'd think that if I left someone a message, crying, and asking them to please call me back because I really just needed to talk to them, they would, yet I STILL havn't spoken to that person and it hurts. It makes me feel like she doesn't care about me anymore.

How do you like them apples?