Damn The Rain

Maybe I'm just one of those people who isn't meant to find happiness.

I knew I was getting too attached to him too fast. I could feel it. But on paper he was perfect, I was sure we'd at least start a relationship, if not more than that, so I let my guard down and let myself fall for him. I was stupid and now I'm paying for it. Now he tells me, at 3 in the morning, that there's someone else.

Once again, I wasn't good enough. Why did he pick her over me? What does she have that I don't? Why am I always the one nobody wants? Oh I "will have a special place in [his] heart always" and of course he'd definitely be interested in me...if they don't work out. But why, damn it?! Why isn't she the one he's giving the schpeil to? Why isn't she the one crying at 4am the night before she has an 8am class and feeling like an idiot for it? Why her and why NOT me? Why is it NEVER me?!

I've been alone my entire life up until this point, maybe I just need to be resigned to the fact that it's a distinct possibility I'm just meant to be alone for the rest of it too.

Maybe instead of happiness and sadness being abstract and circumstancial, it's really concrete and unchanging. Maybe there's a certain amount of happiness and sadness in the world at any given time and so for someone to be really happy, someone else has to be really sad. If that's true, then thanks to me someone's won the lottery today.