Just another day in paradise!

Merry Christmas all! (and yes, I'm aware that all of my posts lately have been titled after songs. It's just because I'm cool like that. ;) )

I was listening to this song I love called "Just Another Day in Paradise" and i realized just how much today was a day in paradise for me. I love spending time with my extended family, which is what I got to do all evening tonight for Christmas Eve. We gathered together and sang just about every Christmas carol ever written (as is our big tradition), talked, bonded, and even listened to Professor Bear tell the Christmas story, and I was on air. I shared the piano bench with my cousin, Kathi (one of my favorite cousins), while she played and she and I sang together, which was really awesome because our voices are alot alike and her's is AMAZING, but she kept raving about mine! She's a big help to the good-voice genes that have blessed me! During "The 12 Days of Christmas" or a few other songs, she would throw in some other totally random notes for an additional part and I'd follow her lead. We had so much fun! I got to joke around with my cousin Adam, who is so fun and one of the few guys I'm totally comfortable with, I met my baby cousin, Cole, for the first time and got to bond with his dad, who I found to be really sweet and great to talk to. I also got to be with my little cousin, whom I've really been missing, though she did wear me out! All in all, it was another fun, family time that I love. I wish we could see each other more often.

Today truely was a day in paradise. (I also got to ride Abbie today, which just added to my glee [though we didn't get to jump any] and it wasn't even cold!)

Pain like a heavy coat

I cry. I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to throw something or hit something or somehow take out my anger. I want to scream my anger at God. Tell Him how unfair He was by taking her and how mad I am at Him for it and doesn't He know what He's put me through?! I want to scream asking Him why He did it. Why her? Why them? Why us? Why me? Why so soon? Why so suddenly? I want to pound on the wall or throw something against it, just to channel that anger somewhere. I need to get it out. I feel tears in my eyes yet again and turn the situation over and over in my mind. I wonder if I'll ever understand, then chide myself, for I know I won't, at least, not in this lifetime. But still, I can't stop the questions; can't stop the feelings, the anger, the resentment, the frustration, the sorrow, the grief, the pain; it's all there. I can feel it. I can feel it all coursing throughout my body. I'm practically reverberating from all of it. I resist the urge to pound my fists on the desk for fear of waking my parents at 2:35 in the morning. I should go to sleep, but I don't. This is my thinking time. I wish she was here. I can feel her presence sometimes; I can feel her speaking to me. I know she knows me now and loves me and that's she's alright and wants me to understand that and to not be sad or angry anymore. I wish...*sigh*. I wish alot of things. Mostly, I just wish...

A song called "Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney fits my feelings perfectly, so I'll share the lyrics:

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughin' in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the h*** that I been through
Just knowin' no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder
Who you'd be today.

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Somedays the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the h*** that I been through
Just knowin' no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder
Who you'd be today.

Today, today, today
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again some day
Someday, someday...

**Spoken part at the end of the music video: "I mean, we already know, the things that happen, happen for a reason. Just like it say in the bible, happens for a reason, you gotta have faith."

If dreams really did come true...

It's last night and I dream. I'm somewhere with close friends. Suddenly our wonderful youth leaders Matt and Rachel are back. We're finally together again after no contact for 4 long years. Rachel envelops me in a huge hug and we stand there, just hugging, for what seems like an eternity. She might have even picked me up and swung me around a bit. After we let go, she promply helps me onto her back and I sit up there, latching on to her, as she greets the rest of the youth there. I hold tightly to her neck and shoulders and lay my head on her shoulder right next to her's. We're finally together again after so long and it's so nice. I can feel the love in that place, so amazing and evident I never want to leave. This was what I'd been hoping and wishing and praying and striving for for such a long time and it had finally come true. We stayed with them the rest of the day and what felt like the rest of a lifetime and all is finally right with the world. I am so happy, happier than I have been in a very long time.

I remember all of this, sitting here, awake, and I cry. I long for all of it to be real. I know I dreamt of this because I've been wanting it so bad for such a long time. It is a bit interesting to me though, simply because part of me is angry at them for abandoning us so and causing so many problems in my life as a result. They made me feel like they don't love me or care about me anymore and I hate that feeling, even if I'm right. If I am though, they aren't who I thought they were or they've changed dramatically. However, seemingly against all of this, if they were to come back, it would be just like I dreamt; I would welcome them back with love and open arms because, regardless of all they caused, I still love them and having them back, even for a little while, would be a dream come true.