Alone again...naturally

**Sorry to anyone who actually reads this blog because none of this is going to make any sense to you or really be relavent whatsoever but I really need to vent.

So apparently I can't count on anybody anymore, not even the one person I felt like I had left. She was the one girl out of all of them that I thought saw me when I was invisible to the rest, the one who saw my pain and what I needed, loved me and would be there for me no matter what but I guess I was wrong. She's not any more willing to be there for me than the rest; when it's not easy then that's it. Personally I don't think asking to be loved by girls who are supposed to be my sisters is asking too much but I guess it is. I guess I'm totally on my own now...I never have been good at that. I'm sorry but to me being there for someone means putting aside your own sh*t to be there for them when they need you ALWAYS, not just when it's easy or convenient. I would do this for any of those girls, even the ones I'm not that close to or really don't get along with yet none of them are willing to do it for me. I don't understand what I did to be so segregated. I love them all so much but for some reason they don't love me back. We're supposed to be able to go to each other for anything anytime but I would never call them, no matter what the emergency, without worrying I'd be pissing somebody off. All I am to them is in the way. I thought this girl was different but I guess I was wrong. I'll admit, I might have been a little harsh on her and the last thing I want is to permanently damage or wreck our relationship but I still feel justified and refuse to keep being a doormat. If anything I'm guilty of poor negative self-expression. I seem to really suck at that, I guess because I try so hard to please everyone and keep my mouth shut about anything I don't like or that's upsetting me that when I've finally had enough, I just snap. I hope she knows I still love her so much and didn't mean to hurt her feelings but she definitely hurt mine and I needed to make a point, even if I didn't do it in the most tactful of ways. She's lucky though...she's always had a built-in best friend and confidant in her Big but not me...we were close at first but then she burned out too, just like everyone does eventually and I'd be lyin' if I said I didn't still cry about it and still pray to God that somehow things would just go back to the way they were but the clock only runs one way. One girl and I seem to have not only gotten back to where we were before but moved forward and become even stronger since but she's the only one. I've never been good at being on my own but I guess I'd better learn since it looks like I'm the only person I'll have from now on. And people wonder why I'm always so depressed...