Okay, so what is it with my life that something is always happening to complicate things! Another problem having to do with my previous post came up today and, though I know he wasn't meaning to, it really rubbed me the wrong way. Basically, my brother wrote on his status on Facebook that he was heartbroken so I commented saying I was sorry and did he want to talk about it and I loved him and all that. So today I get a message from him, thinking it's the story of why he was upset, only to find it's him being all like, not to offend you but please remember your public posts are seen by everybody and how bad would it look if after a fight with my girlfriend there's some young pretty girl saying he loves me and misses me and I know you look at me as a brother but not everyone knows that and BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!
I'm so sick of the lack of some stupid DNA screwing things over with the best thing I've ever had going. Why does this have to be so complicated? Am I completely one-sided or something here? Seriously! I know he wasn't meaning to offend me and from a completely, blindly objective prespective I can see his point, but my point is important to. I shouldn't have to be careful about saying I love you and I miss you to MY OWN BROTHER! All because of some stupid blood! He's adopted, he of all people should understand and yet, apparently not. I'm just venting, I guess because it hurt more than it made me mad. I guess maybe because I'm afraid with things spiralling this way, I might lose the people that mean the most to me...all because of what OTHER PEOPLE couldn't understand...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Nobody's family
Don't you hate it when something is staring you in the face and you just keep not seeing it until one day you finally do and it hits like a bombshell? Or when you ask a question or make a comment and then all too soon you find yourself wishing you could've just stayed oblivious? It sucks. Royally.
My brothers and sisters have always been my foundation. They've always been the people I love the most and I go to with anything and everything. Eventhough my family has never been thrilled about the idea of all my other siblings, I've pretty much shrugged it off and told them to get over it because this is how it is now. I guess I've known that our relationships with each other were different than that of normal siblings but I didn't ever realize what that meant because it felt the same, or at least as far as I could know. As I spent the evening with Sam and her brothers last night though, it seemed the longer I spent around them together, the more I realized just how different it was. They full-out wrestled on the floor and talked over childhood memories while Truley and I watched on the sidelines. From the moment I'd arrived I'd felt...intrusive, like I didn't belong and everyone else knew it. As the night went on, I got more comfortable with Kay and the boys but the out-of-place feeling I had kept growing. After they left and we settled down to watch Twilight, I insisted to myself that I was being silly and sensitive because things were exactly as they always had been. Laying in her bed in the dark that night, as we talked, I still couldn't get all that off my mind. I told her I liked her brothers but that I'd been nervous coming that day because I'd never met Kay or Chase before and I'd been kind of afraid they wouldn't like me because they'd feel like I was intruding. No, she replied, because they just know you as my friend because that would be weird for them if I started talking about my sister. I know they're not blood related to me, but they've been my brothers their whole lives. She even admitted that she and her mother had gotten in a fight that evening because Sam had forgotten to mention to her mom that I was coming over and apparently her mom was mad because I "wasn't family". (eventhough Truley was there and she's not family either, but that's completely not the point of this) We lay in silence for a long time as I thought. It was more one of those moments where you have something you want to say but can't seem to make your voice work.
I'll never really be a part of the family, will I? I finally asked at least not to anybody but you
You mean like with Ryan and Chase?
Everybody
No
She said it so matter-of-factly...she said she didn't care what anybody else thought, that it didn't matter to her...it shouldn't matter to me either...but for some reason it does. I think most of it's just the shock of that slap in the face where you feel so stupid and juvenile to have even entertained that idea, like you've been living in an alternate reality, but, as much as I hate it, when I woke up this morning, I felt different. I still love her as much as ever, don't get me wrong there, but it felt like there was this almost, strain or separation. She seemed to shrug the whole conversation off but I couldn't, maybe because all of a sudden I was hit with the fact that none of the people I love the very most in this world, none of my brothers and sisters, will ever really be a part of my family apart from just the 6 of us as pairs. Maybe I was afraid the bond I've been so confident in for so long is not really as strong as it seems. I don't know what it was and I'm sure it'll fade eventually but right now it hurts, as stupid as it probably sounds, which is why I'm getting it out here instead of talking to anyone I know; I don't know anyone else that could truly understand. If I talked to Sam, she'd probably get mad or at least annoyed and I don't want to bring it up with any of the others, even Allyson, the person I would normally go to with this very kind of thing, because I've learned the hard way that sometimes you're better off just being oblivious.
So as for what this means for us, I really don't know. And maybe that's the scariest thing of all...
"You'll Be In My Heart" - Phil Collins
Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always
Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more
Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always
My brothers and sisters have always been my foundation. They've always been the people I love the most and I go to with anything and everything. Eventhough my family has never been thrilled about the idea of all my other siblings, I've pretty much shrugged it off and told them to get over it because this is how it is now. I guess I've known that our relationships with each other were different than that of normal siblings but I didn't ever realize what that meant because it felt the same, or at least as far as I could know. As I spent the evening with Sam and her brothers last night though, it seemed the longer I spent around them together, the more I realized just how different it was. They full-out wrestled on the floor and talked over childhood memories while Truley and I watched on the sidelines. From the moment I'd arrived I'd felt...intrusive, like I didn't belong and everyone else knew it. As the night went on, I got more comfortable with Kay and the boys but the out-of-place feeling I had kept growing. After they left and we settled down to watch Twilight, I insisted to myself that I was being silly and sensitive because things were exactly as they always had been. Laying in her bed in the dark that night, as we talked, I still couldn't get all that off my mind. I told her I liked her brothers but that I'd been nervous coming that day because I'd never met Kay or Chase before and I'd been kind of afraid they wouldn't like me because they'd feel like I was intruding. No, she replied, because they just know you as my friend because that would be weird for them if I started talking about my sister. I know they're not blood related to me, but they've been my brothers their whole lives. She even admitted that she and her mother had gotten in a fight that evening because Sam had forgotten to mention to her mom that I was coming over and apparently her mom was mad because I "wasn't family". (eventhough Truley was there and she's not family either, but that's completely not the point of this) We lay in silence for a long time as I thought. It was more one of those moments where you have something you want to say but can't seem to make your voice work.
I'll never really be a part of the family, will I? I finally asked at least not to anybody but you
You mean like with Ryan and Chase?
Everybody
No
She said it so matter-of-factly...she said she didn't care what anybody else thought, that it didn't matter to her...it shouldn't matter to me either...but for some reason it does. I think most of it's just the shock of that slap in the face where you feel so stupid and juvenile to have even entertained that idea, like you've been living in an alternate reality, but, as much as I hate it, when I woke up this morning, I felt different. I still love her as much as ever, don't get me wrong there, but it felt like there was this almost, strain or separation. She seemed to shrug the whole conversation off but I couldn't, maybe because all of a sudden I was hit with the fact that none of the people I love the very most in this world, none of my brothers and sisters, will ever really be a part of my family apart from just the 6 of us as pairs. Maybe I was afraid the bond I've been so confident in for so long is not really as strong as it seems. I don't know what it was and I'm sure it'll fade eventually but right now it hurts, as stupid as it probably sounds, which is why I'm getting it out here instead of talking to anyone I know; I don't know anyone else that could truly understand. If I talked to Sam, she'd probably get mad or at least annoyed and I don't want to bring it up with any of the others, even Allyson, the person I would normally go to with this very kind of thing, because I've learned the hard way that sometimes you're better off just being oblivious.
So as for what this means for us, I really don't know. And maybe that's the scariest thing of all...
"You'll Be In My Heart" - Phil Collins
Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always
Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more
Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always
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