Left Behind

I know it's how things are meant to be and that I'll get used to it but that doesn't make it hurt any less. It feels like everyone is just getting farther and farther away these days and I'm left here, standing alone.

In 2 days, my 3 best church friends and I will all be together for the last time until at least Thanksgiving and I will say goodbye to Sam as she moves away to school. Katherine, Kerri, Sarah, and Sam are all moving away at once to different colleges. Katherine and I have been best friends since we were in pre-school and have never been apart like this before. I know she'll still be my best friend but she'll be 7 hours away and we won't see each other again for months. On top of that, it's my senior year of high school, my best year where I get to go to prom and do all the exciting things high school brings and I'll have to face it all without my best friend.

I know I'll see Sam every weekend and she's only 45 minutes away but that doesn't ease the pain much. I don't expect anyone to understand and I know she's ready and so excited to finally get out on her own and she's done everything right; she's doing all she can to make it okay for me but there's honestly not really anything anyone can do for me but respect the fact that I'm upset and I'll be that way for a while and just let me cope with it the way I need to. I can't explain why but it's just so hard to say goodbye eventhough it's not really goodbye.

I think part of it is just the fact that I'm losing just about everyone important to me at once. Amanda and Eddie recently moved churches so I don't see them anymore and they'll be moving to Burleson as soon as she graduates college next year and Jodi just moved to Plano, even farther away, to be near Will and her new job. It's all just happening so fast. I don't know where the time's gone and it scares me so bad. I know they're all scared too, at least in a way. Sam seems to understand and I noticed that when I've been with her lately, you can just feel it; she knows too that our time together is running out and while that makes me feel better in a way because I know she at least sort of understands, it makes it harder too. She's doing her best to show me it's not a big deal and it'll all be okay but it really does help to know it's hard for her to leave me too.
She said that the first time Katherine talks about her friends at college it'll be so hard and I'll be so angry and jelous so I'm kinda worried about that.

I'm not ready for them to go. I need more time.

The family I chose

In my 17 years, one valuable lesson I've learned is that family, like life, is what you make it. Am I saying we can choose our parents or change people? Absolutely not. I have learned through my own family, however, the saying "you can't pick your family" to be at least half untrue. Sure, we can't get rid of the family we're born into but we can often improve it by adding to it. I was born with 1 half-sister, older than myself by almost 11 years, a product of my father's first marriage who lived my entire childhood in Missouri with her mother. I am now the proud little sister of 5 older sisters, 1 older brother, and 2 brothers-in-law. I started with 1 mother and I now have 4 including Sarah, the college student that has been another mother to me just about as long as I can remember. Ironically, I still to date have just the 1 father I gained at birth. I can honestly say this new, enlarged family is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My sisters are the loves of my life. The love I have for them is greater and unlike any other for anyone else. They are my everything; my life. Though it can be a bit challenging being the baby, especially of 5, like when they're going through something you don't understand and you feel like there's nothing you can do or say to help or when everyone is always telling you what to do and looking over your shoulder to protect you all the time, I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. I love having 4 amazing women to look up to and I know everything they tell me is just because they love me and want what's best for me. They're always there to protect me and teach me and I wouldn't trade that for anything. We don't always get along, don't get me wrong, but because we didn't grow up together, the disagreements are generally small and short-lived. Heh, in fact they're most often caused by either a bad mood or 2 stubborn heads butting together. They've all taught me so much about life, faith, love, values, and myself. I've learned responsibility, how to be a leader, how to just get out there and be yourself without caring what anyone else thinks, how to have faith in all times, how to love unconditionally and without end or exception, how to forgive, how to focus on what's important, how to savor and appreciate the little things, how to do anything no matter how hard it is, what it feels like to be accepted completely for who you are, how it feels to be loved beyond understanding, what to not do in relationships, and so much more. They're all such different people, I've learned different things from each of them, and wouldn't trade any of them for the world.
I have found over the time that I've been a part of this amazing family, that our family dynamic is very hard for other people to understand most of the time. It is hard for them to grasp how we're very simply and exactly family, though none of us are related. We love each other in the same way we would if we had all been born siblings, though probably more. Explaining how we got this way is close to impossible too I have found, simply because it's something that just happened-that's part of what makes it so special. These bonds just developed beyond that of a normal friendship and melded themselves into a familial relationship. I'm not sure any of us could pinpoint exactly how or even when this happened but, at least for me, that's part of the beauty in it. It's not meant to be understood because it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters now is us and that we're family-for life. We also all understand that the commitment we've made to each other is indeed forever and always. There's no getting out of it, just like in a blood-related family, though we all love each other too much to care. Though I'll admit we never come close to all getting along, our bonds are as strong as ever and truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thank God from the depths of my heart everyday for giving me such an amazing gift and I know that none of us will ever be the same.


"Right Here"
By: Miley Cyrus

I'll be right here when you need me
Anytime just keep believin
And I'll be right here
If you ever need a friend
Someone to care and understand
I'll be right here

All you have to do is call my name
No matter how close or far away
Ask me once and I'll come
I'll come runnin
And when I can't be with you dream me near
Keep me in your heart and I'll appear
All you gotta do is turn around
Close your eyes
Look inside
I'm right here

Isn't it great that you know that
I'm ready to go wherever you're at
Anywhere I'll be there

All you have to do is call my name
No matter how close or far away

Ask me once and I'll come
I'll come runnin
And when I can't be with you dream me near
Keep me in your heart and I'll appear
All you gotta do is turn around
Close your eyes
Look inside
I'm right here

Whenever you need me
There's no need to worry
You know that I'm gonna be
Right here

Ask me once and I'll come
I'll come runnin
And when I can't be with you dream me near
Keep me in your heart and I'll appear
All you gotta do is turn around
Close your eyes
Look inside
I'm right here
Oh yeah yeah
I'm right here

Dare to Care?

Why do we still care? Why, when after being shot down over and over and over, do some of us still hold out that hope that things might be different the next time? Why do we continue to crawl into bed and lick our wounds, only to get up and try again tomorrow? When you really think about it, there is no sense to it and yet, it is the pattern of our existence, some of us. Is there a point then, when it stops? Will there come a time when we stop trying, whether from accepting the inevidible or simply giving up hope? Is this continued hope simply wishful thinking? Do we think that as long as we keep hoping and remembering what was that we keep the path open for it to be again? Do we fear that if we give up, we lose any chance of things going back to the way they were? Is it a fear of letting go or of what we will find as the alternative? Is this a weakness or a curse or is that merely circumstancial? Do we even know why we're doing it anymore? Is it still at least partially for them and because we love them or only for ourselves in attempt to hold onto something we feel might otherwise be lost forever? Worse yet, is it simply because we would feel guilty not to?

I think, depending on the person, it is a combination of many, if not all, of these things - both fear and courage, true hope and false hope, pain and a certain numbness. I also think that there comes a point when none of us know why anymore; we can't put a reason or rhyme, we just either do or don't.

Maybe holding on can show a sort of strength and unwillingness to give up on them, no matter what happens. Maybe it shows just how much you care and that nothing could ever make you stop. Maybe it's not a weakness and is, on the contrary, the exact opposite.

Point of no return

I feel so stupid. How could I have thought things would be like they used to be? Why did I think I'd find the same person I left 9 years ago? How could I be so naive? I don't even know him anymore. He's barely recognizable. Drugs, drinking, smoking, filthy language; what happened to the little boy who used to be one of my very best friends? What happened to my cohort in all adventures and uncharted territory? Where is the boy who gave me my first beanie baby and helped get me into pokemon? I feel like I've lost him all over again. It hurts so bad. I'm so angry. Maybe if my uncle hadn't given up and gotten divorced from Sam's mom...maybe neither of them would be in such a hole. Even at just 8 years old, I was so angry and hurt that he did that. Even as a little girl, I still knew I'd lost my best friend and I understood why. I remember then being so upset that they had done this to everyone without any thought to any of us besides themselves. I've wanted to badly since that day to have them both back but sitting here today, I almost wish I never knew. They say the truth hurts and I can say for certain that sometimes it really does. I might see Sam again through myspace and be able to contact him if I wish, but my best friend is still gone and now I know that he is never coming back.

Trust No One

Those of you who know me very well at all, probably know trust is one of the things I struggle with the most is trust. Of course there are exceptions but with most people, it takes me a very long time to trust people and they have to prove to me that I can trust them (sometimes all that means is not majorly screwing up or listening to me without judging, ect.) and if that trust is broken, it takes a lot to get it back. I'm a once bitten, twice shot kinda gal and it muliplies - when bitten once, shot twice, but when bitten twice, shot 4 times, and on it goes. I tend to keep myself for trusting people because I've been burned so many times before, I'm afraid of trusting them, and then it having been misplaced. After something that happened today, I've realized more about this nature. Someone who has not proven to be very reliable, I placed my trust in yet again, sure, in light of recent events, that this time would be different...and it wasn't. I was stood up again. Was there a good excuse? Yes. Was it something done on purpose? No. Does that change what it meant to me and how it made me feel? Absolutely not. In a way, this was her chance to prove to me that her word was good and she would really do what she said and she blew it. Will I give her another chance? Absolutely because I love her BUT I've learned that I may give a lot of chances but the more that are wasted, the harder it is for that person to gain my trust the next time and the harder it is for me to decide to risk my heart again by giving them that next chance. By no means was this a win-all, lose-all, but it was a huge checkpoint and she blew it. Now I'm left to sit here, mentally kicking myself for thinking this time would be different. Did I have good cause to think that? Absolutely. Does that take any of the hurt away? Not at all. I'm afraid, if this goes on much longer, I'll hit a point where I ask myself that question "do I want to risk it again?" and I'll answer "no. I can't. Not again." I afraid if I get burned too many more times I'll stop trusting altogether or it'll get even harder for anyone. I mean, anyone will only let themselves be struck down a certain number of times before they just give up and stop trying.

Number the days

For some reason, the loss of Allison has hit me again this week (I almost cried in church today when we sang one of her songs) after quite a leave of absense caused by my counselor (not in a positive way) and it got me thinking about the whole reality of death. I sat down and just thought today and hated the reality I faced that such a loss can come in the blink of an eye, without warning, and most often without anything we could have done, regardless of how much time and effort we put into convincing ourselves otherwise, as if having someone to blame, even if it is ourselves, makes the pain hurt less. Alli as well as someone else very special are all too real examples of this. Why then, I asked myself, is time spent with loved ones so cherished? In the end, will one day you could have been with them and weren't really make a difference, especially if you saw them all the time? I realized then, that no amount of time will ever be enough and we simply love them so much, we just want as much of it as possible because we all know, even if only in our subconscious and the depths of our hearts, that everyone's days are numbered and we never know when the numbers are going to tick out. All we know is that they will and we will never in a million years be ready for the day they do. I, like pretty much everyone else in the world, am somewhat afraid of dying, eventhough I know I'll go to Heaven and it will be so much better than here, simply for the reason it is a very unfamiliar situation and we won't know what's going to happen until we get there, and frankly, I am one who, when faced with an unfamiliar and frightening situation, much prefers to consult someone who's been there before me and can tell me everything that is going to happen before it does.
I also realized something else - I fear the day of the death of someone else as much, if not more than my own - my sister, Sam. Samantha is my world, my everything, and my heart breaks on the inside, just entertaining the notion that there may come a day when I have to face the world without my Sammy, my big sister. The main reason the fear of that day may not surpass the fear of my own death, besides the reason stated above, is because I know the pain that losing me will cause her and, eventhough it will be nothing I could have controled or stopped, should that day come, I will still be the cause of such grief and the thought of breaking her heart like that breaks mine. SHe has been through far too much and had far too much loss already anyway. She doesn't need to lose her little sister too, especially because I mean as much to her as she does to me.
Thinking on that track, I also came to the conclusion that, providing we know the person who has died was a Christian and will indeed be going to Heaven, we don't cry of grieve for them, but facing the reality of living the rest of OUR days without them.
Call me morbid, but I think it is important to take time to reflect and think through such things because it is a reality or will be some day and preparing mentally is just about all we can do. In reality though, after all of this, I have the desire to spend more time with Sam and make the most of the time we do have together, however long that may be. I wish to act crazier, laugh louder, smile brighter, and tell her I love her as often as I can so that when that fateful day comes, I can at least look back and say "I didn't waste a minute".

Daddy's Little Girl

Daddy's little girl? Psh, I don't think so.
My dad is a very sensitive issue for me in so many ways. He has impacted so many areas my life to the point I will never be the same, though be certain that this isn't a positive thing. This is something I struggle with often and is very controversial among my friends and family. My dad is my dad and he always will be. I'll admit that sometimes things are fine, but not most of the time and when they aren't, they really aren't. It's easy for me to sit here now and say "God has a plan. I'm in this situation for a reason and I know His good and His will will some of it and I will learn from it and be made a better person by it in the end", all of which I know to be true; however, when things get rough, those truths are really hard to remember in the moment. My father just recently had a major heartattack and went into cardiac arrest last weekend and still, when I came home today, he yelled at me just like he always has. Through all the insults, hurt, name-calling, degrading, and belittling, I try to remember that God is in control and He is the only father I have that really matters. I struggle with this everyday and have major roadblocks in my life because of it - I am very insecure, I am made ot believe I am unlovable, I am perfectionistic, guys can't even touch me, I can't date, it's a struggle to have guy friends, I don't trust guys, I blame myself for almost everything, I am rebellious, angry, and bitter deep down alot off and on, I have a terrible temper and neglect to keep my mouth shut and think before I speak most of the time, I am constantly worried that I am dissapointing someone or letting them down, I can't be yelled at, I often feel like I can't do anything right or be good enough, I need constant approval and affirmation, I can't take criticism very well, I am quick to blame others before myself, and on the list goes.
I see other fathers who have great relationships with their kids and I want that, yet I think I have given up hope on my dad. I worry my sister because I am so used to living like this that I just accept it as reality, take it, and move on.
Yet through all of this, I try to remain resiliant in Christ because I don't have to prove myself to Him. He knows I'm not perfect and ldoesn't expect me to be - He loves me and accepts me anyway, just the way I am, flaws and all (and trust me, there's plenty of them ;) ). Sure, my situation isn't at all right or fair, but so what? That doesn't change the fact that it is my reality. I believe I will be made a better person because of this as the Lord heals me from it little by little. I strongly believe that having grown up like this will make me a better parent and less likely to get invloved with the wrong guy. I might not be my daddy's little girl, but I am my Heavenly Father's little girl and that's all that really matters in the end. :)

"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." - Micha 7:8


(Note: Sorry if this was kind of jumbled. My thoughts were kind of jumbled at the time and I wasn't quite sure how to say it all...)