Daddy's Little Girl

Daddy's little girl? Psh, I don't think so.
My dad is a very sensitive issue for me in so many ways. He has impacted so many areas my life to the point I will never be the same, though be certain that this isn't a positive thing. This is something I struggle with often and is very controversial among my friends and family. My dad is my dad and he always will be. I'll admit that sometimes things are fine, but not most of the time and when they aren't, they really aren't. It's easy for me to sit here now and say "God has a plan. I'm in this situation for a reason and I know His good and His will will some of it and I will learn from it and be made a better person by it in the end", all of which I know to be true; however, when things get rough, those truths are really hard to remember in the moment. My father just recently had a major heartattack and went into cardiac arrest last weekend and still, when I came home today, he yelled at me just like he always has. Through all the insults, hurt, name-calling, degrading, and belittling, I try to remember that God is in control and He is the only father I have that really matters. I struggle with this everyday and have major roadblocks in my life because of it - I am very insecure, I am made ot believe I am unlovable, I am perfectionistic, guys can't even touch me, I can't date, it's a struggle to have guy friends, I don't trust guys, I blame myself for almost everything, I am rebellious, angry, and bitter deep down alot off and on, I have a terrible temper and neglect to keep my mouth shut and think before I speak most of the time, I am constantly worried that I am dissapointing someone or letting them down, I can't be yelled at, I often feel like I can't do anything right or be good enough, I need constant approval and affirmation, I can't take criticism very well, I am quick to blame others before myself, and on the list goes.
I see other fathers who have great relationships with their kids and I want that, yet I think I have given up hope on my dad. I worry my sister because I am so used to living like this that I just accept it as reality, take it, and move on.
Yet through all of this, I try to remain resiliant in Christ because I don't have to prove myself to Him. He knows I'm not perfect and ldoesn't expect me to be - He loves me and accepts me anyway, just the way I am, flaws and all (and trust me, there's plenty of them ;) ). Sure, my situation isn't at all right or fair, but so what? That doesn't change the fact that it is my reality. I believe I will be made a better person because of this as the Lord heals me from it little by little. I strongly believe that having grown up like this will make me a better parent and less likely to get invloved with the wrong guy. I might not be my daddy's little girl, but I am my Heavenly Father's little girl and that's all that really matters in the end. :)

"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." - Micha 7:8


(Note: Sorry if this was kind of jumbled. My thoughts were kind of jumbled at the time and I wasn't quite sure how to say it all...)