Freedom

Today, my brother is free. His parole is finally over and he is a free man once more but in truth, he's been free a lot longer than that. After being sent to prison, he found Christ and in that, even before he got out on good behavior three years ago, and before today when his parole was ended early for the same, he was set free. He has been free since the day he asked Christ into his heart and turned his life around. He has what so many in his shoes before would kill to have - a second chance. His story is long, complicated, probably painful, and I don't even know a lot of the details but the bottom line is: he did wrong, accepts that, and dutifully paid for it, completely humbling himself before God in the process, and remains His most dutiful servant I have ever seen to this day. Everytime I see an adverstisment for or episode of one of those shows in real prisons I shudder and thank God he saved my brother and just how close he was just by living in that place to not being here today.

My brother is the most amazing man I have ever had the pleasure to know and one of the only men (I can count them on one hand) that has ever treated me with kindness, decentcy, and respect in my entire life. Though his strength, faith, and miraculous testimony of truly being brought up from the pit by our Savior amazes me every day, I feel blessed I did not know him before he knew Christ because I know that person would not have treated me in such a way and probably would not have a relationship with me today. He started out as my "adopted" sister's boyfriend and then fiance' but in that time he became my brother and has remained such to this day, eventhough we haven't seen each other at all in those three years since he and my sister broke things off. So, while other people may see an ex-con or someone under the influence of heavy duty drugs, a selfish or angry person, I see the brother that cared about me eventhough he didn't have to. Our relationship is complicated and distant at best but he knows how much he meant in my life and how much I still love and care for him to this day and, I hope, how happy I am for him today that he finally has his societal freedom once more, though I know that his spiritual freedom is what has brought him here and means more to him than any of the rest.


This is today in his own words entitled "Liberation Day":

"What if you were to lose EVERYTHING in the blink of an eye. What if you were just taken away from it all, and then all you could do is only dream of the things that were once so mundane that you dredged through your every day. How long would it take for you to see that everything you have now is more precious than gold? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?

Then, what if after all that time you were allowed to come back to everything you had. Back to all those beautiful things you had at one time considered boring or frustrating or perhaps were always waiting for something better... or perhaps you never even considered them at all. Do you think you would look at your life the same? What would that day look like when you got your life back? Wouldn't that same day look suddenly different?

Today, look at life through a new lens. Consider everything you have and be thankful. Even if you think you don't have much. You are so blessed. Take nothing for granted. Today is a good day."


I love you big brother and feel so blessed to have you in my life, today and always, and I hope you know that and never forget it. <3

Memory Pain

I think one of the worst things in the world is when you finally feel like you've completely gotten over something and then it comes back to haunt you.

I thought I was finally through with being abandoned by the first person I really attached to, really cared about, and felt like really loved me. Something about my 7th grade sunday school teacher just made me feel so loved and safe. She was the first person I remember feeling I could talk to about anything and who really loved me, no strings attached.
Rachel and her husband moved to Kentucky less than a year after I met her and I was crushed. I cried for weeks and felt that loss for years. I think the thing that bothered me the most is not knowing if she ever knew how much I loved her and what she meant to me. I was only twelve and not good at expressing or sometimes even accessing or understanding those kinds of complex emotions that were so new and while I tried to tell her the night we all said goodbye and me friends and I took pictures of us and us with them and put them in a frame for her, it bothers me to this day. The youth worker that "replaced" her told me later that she had been overcome with emotion when we presented her with that frame and had told her once we were gone just how very much that gesture meant to her so that gave me a little consolation. Though contact information was exchanged before they left, what I had for them soon proved to be out of service and I never heard from them again. Not once. Not even to say they'd gotten there alright. At first I was deeply hurt but then angry. Didn't they even care? Did they EVER care? I was furious that the one person I'd loved so much and let have such a special place in my heart did not seem to care for me even enough to send an email. Throughout the next several years I would stumble upon one thing or another and try to make contact but never suceeded. Though our time together was considerably short in comparisson to other adults I had similar attachments to, there was something about it that went so deep I was never able to fully shake.
Now, seven years after the fact, I rarely think about Matt & Rachel and the sting is long subdued...and then she invaded my dreams last night. What was worse than having to dream of her for hours, bringing all those painful memories back to the surface after I seem to have FINALLY moved on, in the dream I pulled her aside and talked with her, explained how much she'd meant to me, how I'd loved her, and how happy I was to finally have her back (all extremely uncharacteristically realistic for a dream; just it would be if it actually happened) and she acted like she really didn't care. She didn't give any indications that she'd ever cared for me, missed me, or thought of me again. And that REALLY hurt. So that is how I awoke this morning - irritated that she'd been brought back to the fore-front after all these years and at a time when I'd finally been able to move on, feeling the sting both of all those years ago and as if the conversation had actually taken place, and rather perplexed that it got drudged up at all after so long of not thinking about it.

So that's my vent. I'm still feeling that sting and have that picture stuck in the back of my mind and fear I will for a while. She did teach me several important things in our time together and in her leaving though, one of the most valuable being to never let being unsure or afraid of someone's reaction keep you from saying what's on your heart because you may not get the chance again and I am proud to say I never lost that chance again. Yes, sometimes other people feel it a little premature but I know I'm just being honest and that not saying how I feel will be a much heavier burden bared for a much longer time than the discomfort of having made someone else uncomfortable for speaking the truth.

Friend

Some might call me overly sensitive but I think I just feel more deeply and see things others miss. I feel I am in an almost constant struggle with myself over myself, if that makes any sense and today I fell in a hole.

My older sister and I have been close since the day we became family 3 1/2 years ago (it's complicated so just roll with it). Emotionally, she's been the one who's raised me throughout that time, taught me things about life from boys & makeup to serious issues & God, and been there for me through more than imaginable. I can say with every confidence that I love her more than any other person on this earth and don't know what I would have done, or do still, without her. This is why this is all so painful.

She did her first two years of college at a community college near our homes, so we saw each other at least once a week and talked daily for hours. As a junior though, she decided to transfer to a much larger university much farther away and that's when the slow downhill slide began. We still loved each other as much as ever but were hardly able to see each other and as she got more involved at the university, we talked less and less. The next year I went off the college myself and we went from txting daily to not talking for weeks, even months at a time and I think in the year and a half since we both moved off, we've seen each other no more than 5 or 10 times. It breaks my heart but I am one, as explained in my previous post, that tends to look over such things when a new "normal" sets in and that's exactly what happened. About a month ago, I traveled to my sister's school to see her walk to stage at her graduation and was overwhelmed once again with how much I love her, what she means to me, and just how much I miss her. Today was no different. She came to see me and ride horses with my best friend and I. It was a very fun day but a few hours seems like a serious jip for all time we've lost. We didn't have any time to talk or really be together and I felt it. When I hugged her goodbye, knowing it could and probably would be many more months before we saw each other again, I felt empty, like there was a hole in depths of my heart, down to my very soul. I curled up in my bed, miserable and lonely, and fell asleep. When I awoke, I was feeling somewhat better and decided to crawl out of my hole and check Facebook, only to find she had written a status about riding today and when someone commented asking where she rode, she explained that her friend...and after that I stopped paying attention. FRIEND. Never in my life has that word felt like such a knife through my heart. Being sisters not related by blood is complicated and that's putting it mildly, so I understand that sometimes she doesn't use that title for me because she doesn't want to have to explain but it hurts every time. Friend. We've shared our deepest, darkest secrets, told each other of our dreams, been there when the other one's world was crashing down, cheered when one of us conquered a problem or gained a victory, we were there for each other when no one else was and this is all she thinks of all of that - friend.

It feels like the older she gets, the less time we have together and the more she just...moves on. And worst of all, I really don't think she realizes what it does to me and how much I still need her...even if she doesn't need me anymore. I feel like she doesn't miss me or really care all that much anymore, at least not like she used to. Norhing's like it used to be anymore. It seems the older we get, the more complicated everything else gets.
I used to believe that no matter what we went though, our bond and sisters and love for each other would be something that would stand firm and never let us down...now, I just don't know what to believe.

"Normal"

I thrive on routine and what's "normal" for me right then. I couldn't function without it. Maybe it's the anxiety, the DRAD, both, or neither, but without consistency or when my "normal" is upset, I get extremely, edgy, frazzled, and upset myself. Definitely not a go-with-the-flow gal here! I've realized though that because I thrive on what's "normal" for me right then, I often don't realize how much I'm missing because I've accustomed myself to being without.

Today I spent time with my adopted family. First two of their daughters took me in, then a third, then another, then their son, and finally the last two little girls, leaving the parents not much choice lol. I lived with them almost an entire summer and bonded even further then. They (especially the kids) have been so good to me and given me a place to go when I needed one and I love them so much, as if they were my own family related by blood, but because I'm away at school so much and it's a bit of a drive to their house from my parents', we don't get to see each other very often anymore. Since being apart is what I'm used to, I don't realize how much I truely love and miss each and every one of them until I return, upsetting the balance once again.

I've discovered that college is a turning point in many ways but it was in one particular way that I never expected before I entered it - it marks the time when having two lives starts. When you go off to college, you have your life there with those friends and that family and then your life back home with old friends and family and then once you graduate and get married and have kids of your own, you have your family with your husband (or wife) and kids and then the family with your parents; you never have just one, all-encompassing life ever again. Consequently, you also give up ever being able to be with everyone you love at once. When at home, you miss your friends at school, roommates, etc. and when at school you miss your friends back home, parents, grandparents, etc. It's like you can't win!

I hope this helps me realize that, while I can't help me need for "normal", I need to work twice as hard to remember what those people that "normal" has gone mean to me and be thankful for them twice as often because though we may not see each other as much as we'd like, they are a part of me and I love them with all I have.

Life Changers

Upon FINALLY locating the pianist for my high school choir on Facebook, I did what I often do when it's been longer since I've spoken with someone than the amount of time I knew them for, which is send them a message after I've friend requested them to explain who I am just in case I was so inconsequencial that they get the request and say "who the heck is that?" as I will admit I often have (though in my defense I usually find out I really don't know what person). Anyway, as I began writing, I decided to tell her, just in case she decides not to friend me for some reason, how much she meant to me and the impact she made on my life.

I got to thinking then, how we impact people every day and many times probably never know to what extent. This woman was only our pianist during a performance, while we were getting ready for a performance, or occasionally at random and I was only in choir for a year so in all honesty I didn't know her well at all, nor she I, but she impacted me from day one. During a year when my life was so dark and difficult, so filled with pain, fear, and uncertainty, she was, for what reason God only knows, like sunshine breaking through the clouds that constantly hung over my life. I lit up when I walked in the room and saw her and just watching her play the piano made me happy. For whatever reason it was, I felt drawn to her, like out of everyone around, she really saw me and truly cared about me. I like to think it's because I can read people very well and am a great judge of character and that is what I choose to believe; I could see what I truly good person and tender spirit she was, both inside and out. She made such a difference in my life then, to the point I never forgot her and never stopped missing her and yet she probably never knew.

We had this student teacher when I was in first grade who taught me a special way to use my fingers to do my 9X tables that would never fail and I never forgot, even 14 years later and because of her kindness when I was so small, I never forgot her either; such a small gesture that spoke volumes and stayed with me for over a decade.

It makes me wonder, is there a child out there I spoke a kind word to, a middle schooler I listened to in her time of need, someone I saw when they felt invisible, that will remember me forever while I thought nothing of it and went on my way? When you think about it like that, it really makes you careful about how you act and how you treat others because you never know who you're influencing, for better or for worse. Just something to think about...


"Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it." - Hebrews 13:2

Alone again...naturally

**Sorry to anyone who actually reads this blog because none of this is going to make any sense to you or really be relavent whatsoever but I really need to vent.

So apparently I can't count on anybody anymore, not even the one person I felt like I had left. She was the one girl out of all of them that I thought saw me when I was invisible to the rest, the one who saw my pain and what I needed, loved me and would be there for me no matter what but I guess I was wrong. She's not any more willing to be there for me than the rest; when it's not easy then that's it. Personally I don't think asking to be loved by girls who are supposed to be my sisters is asking too much but I guess it is. I guess I'm totally on my own now...I never have been good at that. I'm sorry but to me being there for someone means putting aside your own sh*t to be there for them when they need you ALWAYS, not just when it's easy or convenient. I would do this for any of those girls, even the ones I'm not that close to or really don't get along with yet none of them are willing to do it for me. I don't understand what I did to be so segregated. I love them all so much but for some reason they don't love me back. We're supposed to be able to go to each other for anything anytime but I would never call them, no matter what the emergency, without worrying I'd be pissing somebody off. All I am to them is in the way. I thought this girl was different but I guess I was wrong. I'll admit, I might have been a little harsh on her and the last thing I want is to permanently damage or wreck our relationship but I still feel justified and refuse to keep being a doormat. If anything I'm guilty of poor negative self-expression. I seem to really suck at that, I guess because I try so hard to please everyone and keep my mouth shut about anything I don't like or that's upsetting me that when I've finally had enough, I just snap. I hope she knows I still love her so much and didn't mean to hurt her feelings but she definitely hurt mine and I needed to make a point, even if I didn't do it in the most tactful of ways. She's lucky though...she's always had a built-in best friend and confidant in her Big but not me...we were close at first but then she burned out too, just like everyone does eventually and I'd be lyin' if I said I didn't still cry about it and still pray to God that somehow things would just go back to the way they were but the clock only runs one way. One girl and I seem to have not only gotten back to where we were before but moved forward and become even stronger since but she's the only one. I've never been good at being on my own but I guess I'd better learn since it looks like I'm the only person I'll have from now on. And people wonder why I'm always so depressed...

Purpose

"Once you figure out what [your purpose] is and find the motivation and courage to follow the energy of your purpose, you won't have to try very hard to do it, at least most of the time."

A good friend and mentor of mine posted this in her blog "Joy To The Girl" and it really struck a chord with me. I'm at that stage in my life where I feel like I'm trying to figure everything out all at once and there's just so much that needs figureing that I feel like I'm constantly ending up nowhere (did that even make any sense?). I'm just starting in on my second year of college, trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life when I don't feel like I even know who I am half the time and it gets to be just a little overwhelming.

When I was a junior in high school, after several years of finally accepting myself to be in a place in my life where I had no idea what I wanted to be career-wise (and after having passed through such options in my lifetime as veterinarian [which it's a good thing I didn't pick it because I STILL to this day cannot seem to spell it correctly], riding instructor, and counselor), I finally felt my calling to be to follow in my hero's footsteps and become a high school agricultural science teacher. Observing this woman over the next 2 years, I felt more and more certain that this was the path I was meant to take. I loved agriculture and felt I had a natural gift for teaching, plus I harbored a true passion for the FFA deep in my very soul, but I always knew that what I really admried about my teacher was that she was so much more than that. We grew quite close over the 3 years she taught me and she was always there for me no matter what. I knew if I had a problem or just needed someone to talk to, her door was always open for me and a chair always empty. She was never too busy for me and it wasn't unusual for her to stop whatever she was doing, lean back in her chair, and look me straight in the eye while I talked to her. She told me once that she heard you only absorb about 60% of what someone says when you multi-task and she wanted me to have her undivided attention; I meant that much to her. The spring semester of my junior year, my father suffered a sudden heartattack at 56 while my mother, best friend, and I were out of town for the day (in a conference with our cell phones off or silenced). I don't know all the particulars really, just that it was bad enough that he needed emergency sugery and was in the ICU for around 4 days. Not knowing what to do, think, or feel as we raced to the hospital when we finally heard the news, I called my teacher. She offered to help in any way she could, even to come to the hospital though it was far from where she lived. I declined and then called back immediately with my mind changed - I needed her. Turns out she couldn't make it but she called me every day that weekend to make sure I was alright and contacted all of my other teachers for me letting them know what happened and getting any assignments I needed. I missed school for 2 days the following week and when my sister brought me up there one afternoon just to talk to my teachers, that one kept me with her on her off period and just let me talk to her about what I was feeling (as the situation was not all that it seemed from the outside and I was very conflicted over the whole thing). I went through a lot those last two years and she was there for me through all of it. As good of a teacher of agriculture as she was and still is today, it was those things, her caring spirit, love for her students, and willingness to be there for them, that made me admire her. She went above and beyond the call of duty and for that I am forever greatful but because of that, sometimes I'm still left unsure if I really based my desire to become a teacher on all the job really entails.

A little background on me that might help all this make a little more sense: I've been through and dealt with a whole lot of crap in my life, more than anybody should ever have to and as a result have been in and out of therapy for the past 3 years with serious emotional problems. I'm a people pleaser to a fault and a perfectionist to the death. And that's just putting it mildly.
Anyway, case in point I deal with a lot of really bad stress and anxiety quite obviously and one night when I was completely overwhelmed one of my sorority sisters looked at me and said (I'm roughly quoting here) "Have you ever stopped and just thought about what you wanted? Not what you wanted to do for someone else or because of what someone did for you but just what you want for you?" I honestly couldn't be sure I had. Did I want to be a teacher because it's what I wanted, what my passion is? Or did I want it to in some round-about way repay my teacher for all she did for me? Or did I want it because I thought that, now I'd gone and told her about it and persued it, she'd be dissapointed in me if I didn't go through with it? I still don't know for sure. I know I love ag, heck it's all that kept me afloat in high school (whoops, there I go again), and I want to help the kids but if that's really the main reason I'm in it, there are lots of ways I could do that. So this is where I'm at today, plus thinking about taking up a minor in psychology so either I can help my kids better by having a better understanding of how they work and where they're comin from or I can be furthered in something else because psychology IS something that really interests me and so is helping people, especially kids who've come from bad situations or have tough stuff to deal with every day (though I admit I've never taken a college psych course and I might not love it so much after I do :P).

I really hope TKW is right and that once I hit on what it is I'm meant to do I'll know it, something I've always believed in strongly but I guess for right now I'll just have to give it a shot and wait and see.

Just another one of life's many Growing Pains...