Friend

Some might call me overly sensitive but I think I just feel more deeply and see things others miss. I feel I am in an almost constant struggle with myself over myself, if that makes any sense and today I fell in a hole.

My older sister and I have been close since the day we became family 3 1/2 years ago (it's complicated so just roll with it). Emotionally, she's been the one who's raised me throughout that time, taught me things about life from boys & makeup to serious issues & God, and been there for me through more than imaginable. I can say with every confidence that I love her more than any other person on this earth and don't know what I would have done, or do still, without her. This is why this is all so painful.

She did her first two years of college at a community college near our homes, so we saw each other at least once a week and talked daily for hours. As a junior though, she decided to transfer to a much larger university much farther away and that's when the slow downhill slide began. We still loved each other as much as ever but were hardly able to see each other and as she got more involved at the university, we talked less and less. The next year I went off the college myself and we went from txting daily to not talking for weeks, even months at a time and I think in the year and a half since we both moved off, we've seen each other no more than 5 or 10 times. It breaks my heart but I am one, as explained in my previous post, that tends to look over such things when a new "normal" sets in and that's exactly what happened. About a month ago, I traveled to my sister's school to see her walk to stage at her graduation and was overwhelmed once again with how much I love her, what she means to me, and just how much I miss her. Today was no different. She came to see me and ride horses with my best friend and I. It was a very fun day but a few hours seems like a serious jip for all time we've lost. We didn't have any time to talk or really be together and I felt it. When I hugged her goodbye, knowing it could and probably would be many more months before we saw each other again, I felt empty, like there was a hole in depths of my heart, down to my very soul. I curled up in my bed, miserable and lonely, and fell asleep. When I awoke, I was feeling somewhat better and decided to crawl out of my hole and check Facebook, only to find she had written a status about riding today and when someone commented asking where she rode, she explained that her friend...and after that I stopped paying attention. FRIEND. Never in my life has that word felt like such a knife through my heart. Being sisters not related by blood is complicated and that's putting it mildly, so I understand that sometimes she doesn't use that title for me because she doesn't want to have to explain but it hurts every time. Friend. We've shared our deepest, darkest secrets, told each other of our dreams, been there when the other one's world was crashing down, cheered when one of us conquered a problem or gained a victory, we were there for each other when no one else was and this is all she thinks of all of that - friend.

It feels like the older she gets, the less time we have together and the more she just...moves on. And worst of all, I really don't think she realizes what it does to me and how much I still need her...even if she doesn't need me anymore. I feel like she doesn't miss me or really care all that much anymore, at least not like she used to. Norhing's like it used to be anymore. It seems the older we get, the more complicated everything else gets.
I used to believe that no matter what we went though, our bond and sisters and love for each other would be something that would stand firm and never let us down...now, I just don't know what to believe.