Unsure

I wonder if I'll ever stop being scared. Almost a year into Molly's and my discipleship partnership and I'm still waiting for the hat to drop. Despite all the things she's seen me through, all the things she knows, and all the chances she had to walk away and didn't, I still can't fully relax. Our relationship feels strained, not like best friends or sisters like I thought it would. Through no fault of her own, I'm still convinced that the day when she packs up and leaves me in the dust is just around the corner. I feel bad because I know she tries hard to reassure me and ease that fear but no matter what I do, no matter how much I want to, I can't believe her. Maybe after a good 9 years or more and a good 50 people who've swooped in, full-stop, like they were going to save me and said they loved me but still walked out the door, I've just given up on anyone sticking around. They've been different ages and from different walks of life. Some stayed longer than others and some invested more and others less but they always ended the same - gone, leaving me alone, to fend for myself, wondering what was so wrong with me that I made them go. It's not fair that Molly has to take the flack for all those others who came and went before her or that she should have to spend so much time and energy trying to repair the damage they did but I can't help it and I'm not sure she understands that. It's maddening really because I have enough presence of mind to see the lunacy, to know that each person is different and the actions of one can't possibly predict the actions of another but, just like someone with OCD knows their compulsions aren't really helping and someone addicted to drugs knows they're killing themselves, I can't stop thinking and feeling this way. I can't trust. It scares me because it makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again or if I've completely lost that ability, which yields even more questions like what does that mean for my ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone but particularly someone I might marry? Am I doomed to be alone for the rest of my life? I sit and think about these things tonight and I'm scared. Being the psychology major that I am, I understand why I am this way and that under the circumstances it's completely understandable but as a human being I also understand that the world is a very unforgiving place and especially harsh for those who are different.

Kindred Spirits

So pretty much everyone I work with at my new job is nice but there's one in particular who's really special. She helps me keep my sanity. Funny thing is, I was scared of her at first because she comes off as really intense but that's just because she's real and she understands what it's like to not have that perfect sunshine-and-roses life where everything goes your way. At just 28, she's the mother of four and had her first at 15. She's an orphan, both her parents having died within the last 6 years. She understands that the world can be a cruel and bitterly unfair place and somehow, even though we've never talked about it outright, we seem to hold a mutual, unspoken understanding of each other's pain.

Most of all though, she doesn't try to make me into someone I'm not. She accepts me for who I am without trying to fit me into the perfect little box of who she thinks I should be. She's real, grit, attitude, and all, and shows me the same courdosy. She understands what it feels like to not fit into other people's box but unlike me, she's gotten to where instead of trying or at least pretending to the way I do, she just looks at them and says "up yours". I admire her strength. I don't think you have to be happy to be strong. I think sometimes it takes more strength to be openly unhappy instead of putting on that mask and faking a smile so no one judges you. It takes more courage to be real, regardless of what other people might think. I don't think I've ever met a more real person in my life.

Even just knowing each other a few weeks, she gives me a great comfort. Somehow I know I could talk to her and she would understand or at least care, even though I've never tried and frankly she doesn't have a reason to. Even just now, not talking but knowing she's on the other side of the computer screen, just as unable to sleep as I am, gives me comfort. It makes me feel like I may not be alone in this world after all.

No Exceptions

So I think I blew it. I tried to accept this woman's help, thinking she'd be there for me but it seems all I did was scare her away, just like all the others.

I was having a hard time, posted some foreshadowing status and she messaged me saying: "If you ever need an ear...I'm here :)"

She lied. Just like all the others.

This was my response:

"Thanks...it's just...sometimes things get so crazy and stressful I feel like I need to just word vomit but I'm afraid to because as soon as I try to give someone a chance and let them in, they always bail once they find out what my life is really like and everything I've been through. Most of them have good intentions, but the hard truth is no one's prepared for me. I want to trust people but I just can't.

I mean seriously, who wants to have to look out for a kid who isn't even theirs to worry about to start with, not to mention one as screwed up as me who's legally an adult but isn’t really? I guess at this point I've just accepted that I'll always be on my own, just like I always have been. I want to believe that there's going to finally be someone who sees something in me that makes them want to stick around and stick it out, but the truth is when things stop being easy, they get packing. It's like I'm everyone's project and when they stop wanting to be a girlscout or realize it's not gonna be as easy or short-term as they thought, they get in over their head or lose interest and leave me standing there wondering what I did wrong this time. It's been that way for as long as I can remember. I keep hoping the next person will stick around but no one ever does and every time I open up my heart, I just end up getting hurt."

I wish so much I could just be honest and have someone to talk to whenever I need to that isn’t too freaked out by the things I’ve seen to be there for me when I need advice or am having a hard day or just need to vent. I wish people would stop trying to fix me or thinking that's what I expect because it's not.

The truth is, deep down, all I really want is to be loved. I just want someone to care about me and love me like their own and to have someone to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. Kinda stupid huh? :/

I'm sorry, I know none of this is your problem and honestly I really didn't mean to go into all that, it just sorta happened. Guess that's that word vomit after-all :P"

I sent that almost a month ago and never got a response.

She not only never mentioned it to me, but she quit talking to me at all. Then she quit staying to watch our vaulting practices like she has from day one. I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like she's avoiding me, either because she sees what a wreck I am, or because she can't give me what she thinks I need from her. Either way, I'm left more alone than ever and have lost the only person I felt like might really be able to be my mom. I've thought about sending her another message, apologizing, taking it all back, anything to get a response and somehow turn back time and make things the way they used to be.

I wish I'd never told her anything.

Every time I keep thinking that surely this time, this person, is different. They'll be the one who understands me and gives me what I've needed for so many years but every time they're not. Every time it's just like before and they're just like the others. Doesn't the definition of insanity read something like doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? I'm always so sure that next person will be the exception but what if there is no exception? What if there is only the rule and no matter how I try or how many people I meet, every one is always the same? What if I'm desperately clinging onto the hope of finding something that doesn't even exist?

Free to Good Home

FREE TO GOOD HOME
21 yr old female
Self-sufficient, responsible, thrifty, modest, good with 
kids, loves animals, earns own money, good values, 
well-mannered.
Requirements: just love
*Single female [30-45], only child home preferred

I've been feeling more alone than ever lately. It's not like anything's changed, I guess I've just realized what I've been missing. I found out adult adoption is legal in Texas and I can honestly say there's nothing I want more than to find someone to take me in. It'd break my mother's heart, I know that, but the thought of having the kind of family I've always dreamed of...it makes my heart ache even more.

One of the moms of another vaulter in our club has always been really sweet to me and I really like her. I sent her a message, just thanking her for that, and she said she's here whenever I need an ear and my "vaulting mom" but still, I don't think she really understands. I want so badly to open up to her, to reach out and let her help me but there's a part of me that just won't let me. It's too afraid. Every other person has had just as good of intentions as she does but all except Kim and Molly have checked out once they realized what a handful I am and what I'm asking of her...is so much more than even they were looking at. I know she wants to help and genuinely believes she's up for it and I want so badly to believe her but the hard truth is everyone starts out thinking the same way but so far but no one ever really is ready for me. It's like I told her, "I mean seriously, who wants to have to look out for a kid who isn't even theirs to worry about to start with, not to mention one as screwed up as me who's legally an adult but isn’t really?". The truth is, deep down, all I really want is to be loved. I just want someone to care about me and love me like their own and to have someone to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. I don't just need a friend, I need a mom. And that opens up a whole other can of worms because having said that, I feel guilty. I mean, do I really have a right to say that and feel that if my mom has truly don't the best she could? How's that fair to her? But, as my therapist says, "her best just sucks" and how's that fair to me?

So this is where I find myself. I tried to make her understand that I want to talk to her and trust her and I need her and, even more so, need her to be willing to be patient with me and put in the time and effort it takes to let me know I can trust her with anything and she won't leave, but it's been over a week since I sent my schpeal and still no response. I saw her at vaulting on Tuesday but I avoided her. That part that wouldn't let me trust was in control and I wanted her to come to me but she never did and I just ended up feeling more alone than ever. I want so desperately to know what's going through her head right now, to urge her I'll try so hard to not be any trouble and won't cost her a cent; I'll be good, I swear, if she'll just give me a chance. What if she never responds? What if I've already scared her off? It'd only be about the 50th time so you'd think it would've stopped being such a big deal at this point but somehow it never stops hurting, no matter how many times I get rejected.

I feel like that dog who is just scared and needs someone to take the time, attention, patience, and love to make me whole again but everyone wants the pretty, perky, happy puppy so I just keep getting sent back to the pound. At this rate, I figure it's only a matter or time before everyone gives up and they just put me to sleep.

Maybe I'm just not one of the lucky ones...

I used to believe what the story books said – that good triumphs over evil and in the end, everyone gets what they deserve…but I’m not sure I believe that anymore. Maybe there are just two types of people and there’s nothing that we can do about that, like Socrates said. Just like my theory about trouble always finding the same people, about there being two types of people: the ones who get everything life can throw at them and the ones who skate through unscathed; maybe there are just the people who get everything handed to them and never have to work for anything and then there are those of us who can’t catch a break and bust our asses our entire lives, only to always come up a little bit short. I used to have hope that one day my day would come, that eventually all the privileged, spoiled brats would take their hits and the underdog would finally be on top but now…I’m not so sure.

Black Mark

Upon talking with my roommate, I decided I wanted to volunteer with kids in the same organization she does (which will remain nameless for privacy). I did my interview and training and all that and hadn't heard anything until today. They turned me down. They felt that it just wasn't the right time in my life with my family issues and not knowing for sure if I'll be back for grad school or not yet. I understand why and they said that when I find out if I'm staying for sure or not, in the Fall or Spring, to come back and they'll be happy to visit with me and reopen my file but I just can't help seeing this as one more time situations beyond my control held me back. It feels like I spend so much time and energy fighting my past and trying to prove I'm more than that, and yet it just keeps coming back to knock me down. It's like I bear a black mark because of what I've been through that I can't cover up or rub off no matter how hard I try or what I do now. Apparently being a survivor doesn't count for anything.

Your little sister loves you...

**Originally posted to MySpace Feb 24, 2010. The only alterations have been to reflect the accuracy of my sibling quota as it currently stands, nothing more.**


"Take my hand. Nothing can hurt us as long as we're together."

So many times over the past couple of years have I wanted to say the same thing to my own sister. I have many brothers and sisters and love them all as such, this is true; 40 or so Sigma Alpha sisters I love with all my heart, 6 Herring sisters & 1 Herring brother who took me in and made me a part of their family when I had no place else to go, and of course my 4 adopted sisters, 1 adopted brother (plus 2 brothers-in-law and a sister-in-law). However, I have one sister other sister as well. Half the blood that courses through my veins runs also through hers, though I don't mention her much.

When she was little, our father and her mother divorced, then when she was only a child he moved from Missouri to Texas where he married my mother and they had me. Looking back on photos and videos when I was just a few weeks old, my older sister was enchanted with me. She was so proud to be a big sister and that she had a baby sister and likewise when I was little I thought she held the world in her hands. I bragged about her all the time and felt so proud that I had a big sister...somewhere along the way though, something changed. I'm not sure when things went so wrong but by the time I was 12 I hadn't seen her face since I was only about 4 years old and barely heard her voice. Then after that, I never saw her again and still haven't. We went through a time period in my early high school years when we were very close and talked every other weekend for hours about anything and everything but then one day...she just started hating me.

My sister and I are much like Azkadellia and DG from the movie "Tin Man". We were raised in completely different places by completely different people with completely different beliefs and values. Maybe that made us hopeless from the beginning, just as at the beginning of the movie is appears that Az was desinted to dark and DG to light from the start. I wish I could put more sense to what happened to us but it's just as big a mystery to me as to anyone else, except perhaps her. It was like she woke up one day and everything was my fault. Suddenly I was the spoiled little sister who had everything and never had to worry or lift a finger and never reached out to her and always thought of only herself. It was my fault her and her mother struggled financially in her childhood. My life was perfect even though I lived every day with a mother who didn't care enough to go to bat for me and a father who treated me like crap but I lived in a nice house and got to do what I wanted so my life was perfect. I didn't care about her and I wasn't trying to have a relationship eventhough that was something I'd wanted more than anything my entire life.

So I gave up. I let her go because I didn't know what else to do but I've always been afraid she'll never come back and as I'm becoming an adult I'm beginning to realize I'll have to accept that she isn't. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could get her to take my hand and by doing that, make everything okay. She may be the older sister, but just as with Az and DG, it's always been set up for me to be the one saving her and I would give anything to be able to make everything alright for her and give her the faith that I have and she so desperately needs. But it won't end for us the way it did for them. There won't be a moment of reuniting, saving the world, and the sun rising on a tomorrow where everything is right again. Chances are both of our tomorrows will go on just like all the ones before them - her life sucks so she hates me & she's my sister so I love her, even if she can't see it.

Don't ask me how it's possible for me to love so much with my whole heart someone who basically wishes I'd never been born but I do. I guess it's like our speaker at my home church told us: "when we truly love someone, that love comes from God, not from us; therefore, 'falling out of love' is not possible." I just wish I knew where to go from here, saw some sort of progress in the future, felt like there even was a future for us. If there's one thing I've learned since being in college, it's that prayer is a powerful thing so even if that's all I can do, at least it's doing something and if anyone else who reads this could continue to do the same, it would mean a lot to me. Maybe that's the right link in the first place...after all, once in a blue moon when I actually do hear from her these days, it's always her asking me to pray for her for something...I guess if nothing else, at least that means she believes there's something there and that's a start.