No Exceptions

So I think I blew it. I tried to accept this woman's help, thinking she'd be there for me but it seems all I did was scare her away, just like all the others.

I was having a hard time, posted some foreshadowing status and she messaged me saying: "If you ever need an ear...I'm here :)"

She lied. Just like all the others.

This was my response:

"Thanks...it's just...sometimes things get so crazy and stressful I feel like I need to just word vomit but I'm afraid to because as soon as I try to give someone a chance and let them in, they always bail once they find out what my life is really like and everything I've been through. Most of them have good intentions, but the hard truth is no one's prepared for me. I want to trust people but I just can't.

I mean seriously, who wants to have to look out for a kid who isn't even theirs to worry about to start with, not to mention one as screwed up as me who's legally an adult but isn’t really? I guess at this point I've just accepted that I'll always be on my own, just like I always have been. I want to believe that there's going to finally be someone who sees something in me that makes them want to stick around and stick it out, but the truth is when things stop being easy, they get packing. It's like I'm everyone's project and when they stop wanting to be a girlscout or realize it's not gonna be as easy or short-term as they thought, they get in over their head or lose interest and leave me standing there wondering what I did wrong this time. It's been that way for as long as I can remember. I keep hoping the next person will stick around but no one ever does and every time I open up my heart, I just end up getting hurt."

I wish so much I could just be honest and have someone to talk to whenever I need to that isn’t too freaked out by the things I’ve seen to be there for me when I need advice or am having a hard day or just need to vent. I wish people would stop trying to fix me or thinking that's what I expect because it's not.

The truth is, deep down, all I really want is to be loved. I just want someone to care about me and love me like their own and to have someone to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. Kinda stupid huh? :/

I'm sorry, I know none of this is your problem and honestly I really didn't mean to go into all that, it just sorta happened. Guess that's that word vomit after-all :P"

I sent that almost a month ago and never got a response.

She not only never mentioned it to me, but she quit talking to me at all. Then she quit staying to watch our vaulting practices like she has from day one. I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like she's avoiding me, either because she sees what a wreck I am, or because she can't give me what she thinks I need from her. Either way, I'm left more alone than ever and have lost the only person I felt like might really be able to be my mom. I've thought about sending her another message, apologizing, taking it all back, anything to get a response and somehow turn back time and make things the way they used to be.

I wish I'd never told her anything.

Every time I keep thinking that surely this time, this person, is different. They'll be the one who understands me and gives me what I've needed for so many years but every time they're not. Every time it's just like before and they're just like the others. Doesn't the definition of insanity read something like doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? I'm always so sure that next person will be the exception but what if there is no exception? What if there is only the rule and no matter how I try or how many people I meet, every one is always the same? What if I'm desperately clinging onto the hope of finding something that doesn't even exist?