I woke up this morning to a txt from my sister saying "Hey, can I tell you something I haven't really been able to tell anyone else?" and I dunno...as much as I hope there's nothing seriously wrong, it feels like a blessing that she can still confide in my like that, like we used to. I've been feeling so far from her since she got married, got a job, and moved away. I miss her so much but I've kinda been trying to be a big girl about it.
We never talk on the phone because she hates it, so it's always been a big red flag if either of us called the other. It was always the sign of something reall good or really bad. Usually it was either a crisis or someone really just needed to talk about something confusing with the person they trusted the most. Granted, when I called her most recently, nothing was wrong I just missed her and wanted to hear her voice but because of the rareity of phone calls, if you miss one from the other, you ALWAYS call back or at least txt to make sure they're okay. Nothing. I called several times and never got an answer or even the smallest hint of recognition that I'd made the effort. It broke my heart.
I felt like she'd completely forgotten about me now that she has a husband. I felt abandonded by the one person who knows all the ugly things about me and has been there through it all, in thie huge adult world I'm still trying to find my way through. The rules are different here and it's confusing...overwhelming...and as much as I don't want to admit it sometimes and as much as I'm more independent than ever, I still need my big sister sometimes.
I just wish she could see that...
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
I'm done
Though I still feel weak, I know I am stronger than I've ever been.
You took my childhood from me. You took my self-worth, my self-esteem, and my comfort in life away from me with your words and now I'm taking them back. I will not believe your lies any longer. As hard as it is, I WILL forgive you because Christ forgave me and because the only person I'm hurting by holding onto all this anger, pain, and hatred is myself. No matter what you say or think, there is nothing you can do to stop me from becoming the woman God has called me to be and a better human being than you ever were. There's nothing you can do to stop me from showering all the love on my kids and everyone around me that you never showed to me and from marrying someone who knows me and loves me just the way I am and always will, even though you never did.
I will stop defining myself by your standards and killing myself to please you.
I will stop letting you walk all over me. You will not control me and you will not have any power over me anymore.
It's over.
Yes, there will be times your words will pierce me straight to the heart.
Yes, there will be times I will be struck down once more by the bitter unfairness of it all. But come what may, I will remember from now on that your abuse has only made me stronger and with God on my side, I can conquer anything. HE is the one who decides my worth. HE is the only one I need to impress. HE is all the love I need (something I still don't full understand but am working on every day).
I will not let you cripple me any longer.
I will not let the issues I have developed because of you handicap my life for one more day.
From now on, I will look ahead and focus on living for the only One who matters. I will learn to love myself and judge myself by His standards and not yours.
I will believe with all my heart that "though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will take care of me" (Psalm 27:10).
Mom made her choice a long time ago and now I've made mine. I couldn't control how I started my life but I can control how I finish it and I'm finishing it for Christ.
I'm choosing to not just survive but fight and conquer.
I'm choosing to move on.
I'm choosing to live.
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." - Micah 7:8
You took my childhood from me. You took my self-worth, my self-esteem, and my comfort in life away from me with your words and now I'm taking them back. I will not believe your lies any longer. As hard as it is, I WILL forgive you because Christ forgave me and because the only person I'm hurting by holding onto all this anger, pain, and hatred is myself. No matter what you say or think, there is nothing you can do to stop me from becoming the woman God has called me to be and a better human being than you ever were. There's nothing you can do to stop me from showering all the love on my kids and everyone around me that you never showed to me and from marrying someone who knows me and loves me just the way I am and always will, even though you never did.
I will stop defining myself by your standards and killing myself to please you.
I will stop letting you walk all over me. You will not control me and you will not have any power over me anymore.
It's over.
Yes, there will be times your words will pierce me straight to the heart.
Yes, there will be times I will be struck down once more by the bitter unfairness of it all. But come what may, I will remember from now on that your abuse has only made me stronger and with God on my side, I can conquer anything. HE is the one who decides my worth. HE is the only one I need to impress. HE is all the love I need (something I still don't full understand but am working on every day).
I will not let you cripple me any longer.
I will not let the issues I have developed because of you handicap my life for one more day.
From now on, I will look ahead and focus on living for the only One who matters. I will learn to love myself and judge myself by His standards and not yours.
I will believe with all my heart that "though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will take care of me" (Psalm 27:10).
Mom made her choice a long time ago and now I've made mine. I couldn't control how I started my life but I can control how I finish it and I'm finishing it for Christ.
I'm choosing to not just survive but fight and conquer.
I'm choosing to move on.
I'm choosing to live.
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." - Micah 7:8
Thursday, October 27, 2011
What kind of sense does this make?
**So basically I was watching this youtube video (link is at the bottom bc I couldn't get it to embed :P) on Oprah and her views of religion because let's face it, even though she professes to be a Christian, anyone who's watched her show for any length of time knows that a) she claims to believe a lot of things that don't align with Christ and b) she's never clear about what exactly she does believe. She appears to be so afraid of affecting her ratings or offending someone, she always dances around her beliefs to make it okay for everyone to believe what they want instead of saying what she believes is truth. This video was made by a Christian church or organization of some sort and brought a lot of things into the light and just made me start thinking about a lot of issues, both in my life and that I've observed around me as well. Anyway, I was inspired, I truly believe God-inspired, so I just wanted to share my revelations with y'all and hopefully open some eyes the way mine have been.**
One thing Oprah said that made me laugh outloud was that God is not a belief, it's a feeling. That's basically saying God's only there when we're feeling Him and day and when we're not...then what? Say you got a big, dark room. A warehouse let's say. You put five people in various places in this huge room. You instruct each person not to move or makes a sound. They know each other is there but then you bring in someone blindfolded and ear plugged. You lead them into this room, tell them to stay right there, to make no noise, and then you leave and shut the door behind you. You come back in a minute and take the blindfolded person out of the room and then ask them if they were aware of anyone or anything else in there with them. If they say no, does that suddenly mean those five other people weren't there? No. Just because that person didn't feel there presence didn't mean they were any less there. The same is true with God. There will be times we don't feel Him. He uses these times of distance to make us persue Him harder, lean on Him more, and realize how much we do indeed need Him. As they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but that doesn't mean He's ever gone, not watching our lives, or not listening to our prayers.
I was taught early on that the Bible either is truth or it isn't. You either believe it or you don't because something can't be both true and untrue. You can't pick and choose what to believe or not, what's truth and what's not. Similarly, if you believe in Christ, that He is who He says He is, you either believe everything He said, did, and stood for, or you think the whole thing is a load of malarky. "Jesus answered, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to the Father except through me." (John 4:16) He said He is THE way THE truth and THE life. If you believe in Christ and that He is who He says He is and speaks the truth, then you can't also believe that there is more than one path to God because He just said there isn't. Does that mean either you'll have to either hide in fear and appear to be weak, doubtful, or mediocre in what you believe or you'll have to stand up, step on some toes, and get messy? Yea. He's already prepared us for this in 1 John 3:13 - "Do not be surprised, my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you." Will that be easy? Probably not. As much as you don't want to hear it, and I know I didn't, God doesn't promise following Him the way He's called us to is going to be easy. In fact he promises just the opposite in 2 Timothy 3:12 "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Jesus Christ will be persecuted." (Don't everyone get all excited as once!) You can't have your cake and eat it too (though that expression never did make much sense to me, but you get the point.)
Why is it that we as a human race are so blindly accepting of the history we learn in school and yet so often, even those of us who are Christians are quick to question the Bible. Regardless of what you may believe or not believe about the Bible (and I believe that that "all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" (2 Timothy 3:16-17)), you can't deny that it's just a book, just the way the history books we get our information from in school are just books. I don't care what kind of research you did or how long it took, you would never be able to bring me anything to concretely prove the history of those books to me that wasn't solely based on someone else's say-so. There is not any more or less tangible proof for American or world history than there is for the historical events that occured in the Bible. Why then, do we judge one more harshly than the other? Why are we so quick to take the word of our history teachers about something that happened in China hundreds of years ago which we could not possibly know for fact or not, but we pull out all the ifs, ands, and buts when it comes to the history spoken by ministers in the church?
Part of it is due to the soda can. Francis Chan has an awesome illustration that a dear friend shared with me that pretty much hits the nail on the head. Let's say God is the ocean and our brain is a soda can. The amount of water we can scoop up into our soda can is the amount of God we can understand in our human brains. Does that mean that's all there is to him? Of course not! Just because we can't comprehend more than that doesn't mean He isn't the whole ocean, even farther than we could ever see! Jeremiah 10:12 says, "It is He who made the earth by His power, who established the world by His wisdom, and by His understanding stretched out the heavens."
Why also, do we profess to love God so much and yet often don't show Him the same kind of respect, devotion, and commitment as we do to those here with us on earth who aren't perfect, righteous, or nearly as loving toward us as our God is? If someone were to say something nasty about your mom or dad (or grandparent, best friend, sibling, whoever it is that's most important to you) that you knew wasn't true, wasn't their character, or simply didn't happen, you would stand up in a heartbeat to defend them. You'd insist that your mom isn't like that, wouldn't do that, is to the contrary, or whatever, probably without even thinking. Why then, do we sit by when someone takes the Lord's name in vain, implying something about Him that we know is not His character? Why are we too scared to come to His defense against those who do not know Him the way we do? Why would we be so willing to sacrifice our comfort, our fitting in, our fear of stepping on people's toes and possibly losing friends to defend our mom but not our God? Not the One who created us into being, takes care of us every day the way no one else can, comes to our aide the way no one else can, and loves us and listens to us when no one else cares, not to mention forgives us every time and saved us from our sins so that we may spend eternity in Heaven with Him eventhough He didn't have to and we didn't earn it. God makes His position on the subject pretty clear: "But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." (Matthew 10:33, 37-39)
What kind of sense does that make? I'm talking to myself here too. If someone were to say something nasty about my sister Sam, oh, you'd better believe they'd have it coming! And while it outrages me when someone uses God's name in this way or attributes His name to something that I know is not of Him, I all too often sit by and say nothing for fear of being judged and being different.
Which begs the question: what's so bad about being different? We all have this desperate need to fit in but sometimes that just doesn't make sense. If it were a bunch of people jumping off a cliff or purposly injecting themselves with HIV, you'd be an idiot to pick your fear of being different over the consequences of following the crowd. People wouldn't look down at you for standing your ground, in fact, they'd almost certainly congratulate you for being the only one in the bunch with a brain that hadn't melted into goo and leaked out your ears someplace. Why is standing out for Christ, even if you're standing alone, any different? It shouldn't be. The Bible says, "but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence" (1 Peter 3:15). We as believers know we've chosen to follow Christ because it is the right way, the ONLY way to escape the perils of the sin we're all doomed to ("For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:23)) and live the best life we can and be the best people we can be. We KNOW we're the ones with the brain who see the truth in the decision and the conequences of choosing the other path. As secure in this knowledge as we are, why is it such a big deal to proclaim it, defend it, and live it?
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)
"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW4LLwkgmqA&list=FL6pjk4HtTCuuBmfDMEFtKIw&index=1&feature=plpp_video
One thing Oprah said that made me laugh outloud was that God is not a belief, it's a feeling. That's basically saying God's only there when we're feeling Him and day and when we're not...then what? Say you got a big, dark room. A warehouse let's say. You put five people in various places in this huge room. You instruct each person not to move or makes a sound. They know each other is there but then you bring in someone blindfolded and ear plugged. You lead them into this room, tell them to stay right there, to make no noise, and then you leave and shut the door behind you. You come back in a minute and take the blindfolded person out of the room and then ask them if they were aware of anyone or anything else in there with them. If they say no, does that suddenly mean those five other people weren't there? No. Just because that person didn't feel there presence didn't mean they were any less there. The same is true with God. There will be times we don't feel Him. He uses these times of distance to make us persue Him harder, lean on Him more, and realize how much we do indeed need Him. As they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but that doesn't mean He's ever gone, not watching our lives, or not listening to our prayers.
I was taught early on that the Bible either is truth or it isn't. You either believe it or you don't because something can't be both true and untrue. You can't pick and choose what to believe or not, what's truth and what's not. Similarly, if you believe in Christ, that He is who He says He is, you either believe everything He said, did, and stood for, or you think the whole thing is a load of malarky. "Jesus answered, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to the Father except through me." (John 4:16) He said He is THE way THE truth and THE life. If you believe in Christ and that He is who He says He is and speaks the truth, then you can't also believe that there is more than one path to God because He just said there isn't. Does that mean either you'll have to either hide in fear and appear to be weak, doubtful, or mediocre in what you believe or you'll have to stand up, step on some toes, and get messy? Yea. He's already prepared us for this in 1 John 3:13 - "Do not be surprised, my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you." Will that be easy? Probably not. As much as you don't want to hear it, and I know I didn't, God doesn't promise following Him the way He's called us to is going to be easy. In fact he promises just the opposite in 2 Timothy 3:12 "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Jesus Christ will be persecuted." (Don't everyone get all excited as once!) You can't have your cake and eat it too (though that expression never did make much sense to me, but you get the point.)
Why is it that we as a human race are so blindly accepting of the history we learn in school and yet so often, even those of us who are Christians are quick to question the Bible. Regardless of what you may believe or not believe about the Bible (and I believe that that "all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" (2 Timothy 3:16-17)), you can't deny that it's just a book, just the way the history books we get our information from in school are just books. I don't care what kind of research you did or how long it took, you would never be able to bring me anything to concretely prove the history of those books to me that wasn't solely based on someone else's say-so. There is not any more or less tangible proof for American or world history than there is for the historical events that occured in the Bible. Why then, do we judge one more harshly than the other? Why are we so quick to take the word of our history teachers about something that happened in China hundreds of years ago which we could not possibly know for fact or not, but we pull out all the ifs, ands, and buts when it comes to the history spoken by ministers in the church?
Part of it is due to the soda can. Francis Chan has an awesome illustration that a dear friend shared with me that pretty much hits the nail on the head. Let's say God is the ocean and our brain is a soda can. The amount of water we can scoop up into our soda can is the amount of God we can understand in our human brains. Does that mean that's all there is to him? Of course not! Just because we can't comprehend more than that doesn't mean He isn't the whole ocean, even farther than we could ever see! Jeremiah 10:12 says, "It is He who made the earth by His power, who established the world by His wisdom, and by His understanding stretched out the heavens."
Why also, do we profess to love God so much and yet often don't show Him the same kind of respect, devotion, and commitment as we do to those here with us on earth who aren't perfect, righteous, or nearly as loving toward us as our God is? If someone were to say something nasty about your mom or dad (or grandparent, best friend, sibling, whoever it is that's most important to you) that you knew wasn't true, wasn't their character, or simply didn't happen, you would stand up in a heartbeat to defend them. You'd insist that your mom isn't like that, wouldn't do that, is to the contrary, or whatever, probably without even thinking. Why then, do we sit by when someone takes the Lord's name in vain, implying something about Him that we know is not His character? Why are we too scared to come to His defense against those who do not know Him the way we do? Why would we be so willing to sacrifice our comfort, our fitting in, our fear of stepping on people's toes and possibly losing friends to defend our mom but not our God? Not the One who created us into being, takes care of us every day the way no one else can, comes to our aide the way no one else can, and loves us and listens to us when no one else cares, not to mention forgives us every time and saved us from our sins so that we may spend eternity in Heaven with Him eventhough He didn't have to and we didn't earn it. God makes His position on the subject pretty clear: "But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." (Matthew 10:33, 37-39)
What kind of sense does that make? I'm talking to myself here too. If someone were to say something nasty about my sister Sam, oh, you'd better believe they'd have it coming! And while it outrages me when someone uses God's name in this way or attributes His name to something that I know is not of Him, I all too often sit by and say nothing for fear of being judged and being different.
Which begs the question: what's so bad about being different? We all have this desperate need to fit in but sometimes that just doesn't make sense. If it were a bunch of people jumping off a cliff or purposly injecting themselves with HIV, you'd be an idiot to pick your fear of being different over the consequences of following the crowd. People wouldn't look down at you for standing your ground, in fact, they'd almost certainly congratulate you for being the only one in the bunch with a brain that hadn't melted into goo and leaked out your ears someplace. Why is standing out for Christ, even if you're standing alone, any different? It shouldn't be. The Bible says, "but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence" (1 Peter 3:15). We as believers know we've chosen to follow Christ because it is the right way, the ONLY way to escape the perils of the sin we're all doomed to ("For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:23)) and live the best life we can and be the best people we can be. We KNOW we're the ones with the brain who see the truth in the decision and the conequences of choosing the other path. As secure in this knowledge as we are, why is it such a big deal to proclaim it, defend it, and live it?
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)
"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW4LLwkgmqA&list=FL6pjk4HtTCuuBmfDMEFtKIw&index=1&feature=plpp_video
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Something's changed
I'm not sure if it's the double-dosage of my meds or just God but something is definitely different. This past week or so has been...like nothing I can describe. I'm finally feeling better. I've gotten plugged in to a wonderful college ministry and have an absolutely amazing small group. For the first time in a long time, maybe in my entire life, I feel like I truly have a support system and people who love me and care about me and want me with them. I've been reading Hosea and while I don't understand a lot of it, it feels really good to be back in the Word. Katy, one of my Challenge leaders (aka small group) has been absolutely amazing. She's shown me love like no one before and introduced me to discipling. We prayed for days and God put a wonderful young lady named Molly on her heart. We've only met once and I love her already. For the first time in my life, someone knows all my flaws and secrets, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and is still here with me. She's made it clear she's in it for the long haul and that is completely new for me. We're so much alike in so many ways and she can truly understand a lot of my struggles. It's weird, I've been taught about God and brought to church since I was a baby but I've been so far from Him for such a long time...I was beginning to think I'd never get back. Now that I'm there full-force, working to live my life for Him, it's like I see the world and everyone in it in a whole new light. I'm not perfect, far from it, and I've still got a long way to go but it's a start. For the first time in 4 years, I really see hope on the horizon and a light at the end of the tunnel.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Today, I choose to fight.
"It feels like I have lost this fight
They think that I am staying down, but I'm not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got 100 steps to go, tonight I'll make it 99
One more, go one more yea yea.
Don't stop now, go one more, yea yea.
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yea yea.
One more, go one more yea yea.
Don't stop now, go one more, yea yea.
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yea yea.
I have everything to lose by not getting up to fight
I might get used to giving up, so I am showing up tonight
I am my own enemy, the battle fought within my mind
If I can overcome step 1, I can face the 99
One more, go one more yea yea.
Don't stop now, go one more, yea yea.
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yea yea.
One more, go one more yea yea.
Don't stop now, go one more, yea yea.
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yea yea."
--Superchick, "One More"
They think that I am staying down, but I'm not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got 100 steps to go, tonight I'll make it 99
One more, go one more yea yea.
Don't stop now, go one more, yea yea.
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yea yea.
One more, go one more yea yea.
Don't stop now, go one more, yea yea.
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yea yea.
I have everything to lose by not getting up to fight
I might get used to giving up, so I am showing up tonight
I am my own enemy, the battle fought within my mind
If I can overcome step 1, I can face the 99
One more, go one more yea yea.
Don't stop now, go one more, yea yea.
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yea yea.
One more, go one more yea yea.
Don't stop now, go one more, yea yea.
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yea yea."
--Superchick, "One More"
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Learning to Fall
I did my first handstand of my life today where I actually went all the way up and held it for a second. I did it several times actually and it taught me several things so valuable that I, in some ways, can't believe it took me 20 years to realize. What I learned was that's it's okay to fall.
For as long as I can remember, I've been terrified of falling, especially backward. Not being able to see what's coming, where I'm going, terrifies me like nothing else in this world. That's because being okay with not knowing, not seeing, requires trust and that, above all things, is what I have the biggest problem with. A few years ago, when I realized a lot of things about myself, I realized I have trouble trusting other people and I even admitted that at times, more often than I'd like, I have trouble trusting God, but what I discovered for the first time tonight is that I also have trouble trusting myself. Tonight, I realized that if I allow myself room to fall, not only will I be okay, but I will also always find a way to catch myself. Without even having to think about it, my body always found a way to protect me from slamming flat on my back.
This experience gave me clarity in so many places I didn't even know I needed it. No wonder I was terrifed of life itself. It was being controlled my no one in my eyes. I wouldn't trust anyone else enough to let them help me without completely falling on them and crushing them. Though God always had my back, I was blind to that because I wouldn't give up my control to Him because, though I didn't realize it until now, I wasn't controlling my life either. I didn't know how to. This is how I lost my way so many times in so many different ways. They say that deep down eating disorders are almost always about control but I never really thought mine was very much, especially not starting but now I realize that maybe it was. I think deep down I realized I wasn't controlling my life. I didn't know how and I was scared to try because I came from a household where letting other people tell you what to do was how you made it out alive. You never took a stand on anything without paying the price so I truly never learned how to take charge over my life, therefore when I got out on my own and had to, I was completely overwhelmed. That, coupled with my perfectionism and poor self-esteem/body image made me the perfect target for my disease, which took the control I so desperately lacked all too eagerly. And what's sad is I think a part of me was relieved to not have to make decisions for myself anymore. I think not having control of my life, not wanting it even, is the reason I've had so many relapses and seem to be so prone to them, not to mention the whole host of other issues I've had since which are almost undoubtedly connected, as everything seems to be.
The other thing I learned again tonight, as I did a few days ago with my vaulting demonstration, is that's it's okay to walk away without being perfect. I listened to my body (another big step for me!) and knew my muscles were getting extremely tired (I'd also done weight machines and stretching before heading to the park for gymnastics practice) so I got another couple decent handstands under my belt before I left but they weren't turning out perfect. Instead of staying and drilling myself until they were, which wasn't a likely result due to my level of exhaustion, I put my perfectionistic drive in its box and walked away. I'm not giving up, just trying again tomorrow.
I'm allowing myself to learn things in time instead of expecting to be perfect the first time. I allowed myself to be human. And, as a result of embracing courage I didn't even know I had, I performed better today, at least on the handstand front, than I ever have in my life and I have confidence that as a result, my vaulting will quickly have the same result if I keep embracing the challenge, giving myself the permission for the fear, and then putting it away, confident in myself, my abilities, and my ability to overcome. I've always longed to be strong and take control of my life and my destiny and tonight I realized that the first step to that is trust. Trust in myself and trust in the great God who put me here is all I need aside from the amazing qualities of strength, determination, wisdom, and perserverence I already possess. For the first time in a long time, maybe in my life, I truly have hope. <3
Who We Are - Ryan Calhoun
"Mom and Dad
Don't worry about your son
I'll be ok
I'll take these days one by one
though the times are hard
I still know where I belong
I keep looking up so I can hold on
For now
I'll choose this life I live
And for now I'll choose to take my hits
Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are
Life hurry now
I'm running out of time
And I'm growing weak as are these dreams that are mine
Though the days are long I'm still running strong
I keep looking up so I can hold on
For now
I'll choose this life I live
And for now I'll choose to take my hits
Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are
For now
I'll choose this life I live
And for now I'll choose to take my hits
Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who, at the end of the day all we have is who we are
At the end of the day all we have is who we are"
Crushed and Created - Caitlyn Smith
"Looking back on the things that found me
Places that I'd never choose
The same things that both haunt and heal
My demons and my muse
We are crushed and created
We are melted and made
We are broken and built up, in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger in its wake
There are times that I'd underestimated
Both the grief and goodness found in something new
Where one thing dies, something else can be created
Though its truth you find, its innocence you lose
I'm not the "me" that I started with
My friends say my eyes are brighter
I'm not the "me" that I started with
I'm freer, and I'm wiser, and I'm stronger
We are crushed and created
We are melted and made
We are broken and built up, in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger in its wake
It leaves me stronger"
For as long as I can remember, I've been terrified of falling, especially backward. Not being able to see what's coming, where I'm going, terrifies me like nothing else in this world. That's because being okay with not knowing, not seeing, requires trust and that, above all things, is what I have the biggest problem with. A few years ago, when I realized a lot of things about myself, I realized I have trouble trusting other people and I even admitted that at times, more often than I'd like, I have trouble trusting God, but what I discovered for the first time tonight is that I also have trouble trusting myself. Tonight, I realized that if I allow myself room to fall, not only will I be okay, but I will also always find a way to catch myself. Without even having to think about it, my body always found a way to protect me from slamming flat on my back.
This experience gave me clarity in so many places I didn't even know I needed it. No wonder I was terrifed of life itself. It was being controlled my no one in my eyes. I wouldn't trust anyone else enough to let them help me without completely falling on them and crushing them. Though God always had my back, I was blind to that because I wouldn't give up my control to Him because, though I didn't realize it until now, I wasn't controlling my life either. I didn't know how to. This is how I lost my way so many times in so many different ways. They say that deep down eating disorders are almost always about control but I never really thought mine was very much, especially not starting but now I realize that maybe it was. I think deep down I realized I wasn't controlling my life. I didn't know how and I was scared to try because I came from a household where letting other people tell you what to do was how you made it out alive. You never took a stand on anything without paying the price so I truly never learned how to take charge over my life, therefore when I got out on my own and had to, I was completely overwhelmed. That, coupled with my perfectionism and poor self-esteem/body image made me the perfect target for my disease, which took the control I so desperately lacked all too eagerly. And what's sad is I think a part of me was relieved to not have to make decisions for myself anymore. I think not having control of my life, not wanting it even, is the reason I've had so many relapses and seem to be so prone to them, not to mention the whole host of other issues I've had since which are almost undoubtedly connected, as everything seems to be.
The other thing I learned again tonight, as I did a few days ago with my vaulting demonstration, is that's it's okay to walk away without being perfect. I listened to my body (another big step for me!) and knew my muscles were getting extremely tired (I'd also done weight machines and stretching before heading to the park for gymnastics practice) so I got another couple decent handstands under my belt before I left but they weren't turning out perfect. Instead of staying and drilling myself until they were, which wasn't a likely result due to my level of exhaustion, I put my perfectionistic drive in its box and walked away. I'm not giving up, just trying again tomorrow.
I'm allowing myself to learn things in time instead of expecting to be perfect the first time. I allowed myself to be human. And, as a result of embracing courage I didn't even know I had, I performed better today, at least on the handstand front, than I ever have in my life and I have confidence that as a result, my vaulting will quickly have the same result if I keep embracing the challenge, giving myself the permission for the fear, and then putting it away, confident in myself, my abilities, and my ability to overcome. I've always longed to be strong and take control of my life and my destiny and tonight I realized that the first step to that is trust. Trust in myself and trust in the great God who put me here is all I need aside from the amazing qualities of strength, determination, wisdom, and perserverence I already possess. For the first time in a long time, maybe in my life, I truly have hope. <3
Who We Are - Ryan Calhoun
"Mom and Dad
Don't worry about your son
I'll be ok
I'll take these days one by one
though the times are hard
I still know where I belong
I keep looking up so I can hold on
For now
I'll choose this life I live
And for now I'll choose to take my hits
Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are
Life hurry now
I'm running out of time
And I'm growing weak as are these dreams that are mine
Though the days are long I'm still running strong
I keep looking up so I can hold on
For now
I'll choose this life I live
And for now I'll choose to take my hits
Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are
For now
I'll choose this life I live
And for now I'll choose to take my hits
Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who, at the end of the day all we have is who we are
At the end of the day all we have is who we are"
Crushed and Created - Caitlyn Smith
"Looking back on the things that found me
Places that I'd never choose
The same things that both haunt and heal
My demons and my muse
We are crushed and created
We are melted and made
We are broken and built up, in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger in its wake
There are times that I'd underestimated
Both the grief and goodness found in something new
Where one thing dies, something else can be created
Though its truth you find, its innocence you lose
I'm not the "me" that I started with
My friends say my eyes are brighter
I'm not the "me" that I started with
I'm freer, and I'm wiser, and I'm stronger
We are crushed and created
We are melted and made
We are broken and built up, in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger in its wake
It leaves me stronger"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
