Purpose

"Once you figure out what [your purpose] is and find the motivation and courage to follow the energy of your purpose, you won't have to try very hard to do it, at least most of the time."

A good friend and mentor of mine posted this in her blog "Joy To The Girl" and it really struck a chord with me. I'm at that stage in my life where I feel like I'm trying to figure everything out all at once and there's just so much that needs figureing that I feel like I'm constantly ending up nowhere (did that even make any sense?). I'm just starting in on my second year of college, trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life when I don't feel like I even know who I am half the time and it gets to be just a little overwhelming.

When I was a junior in high school, after several years of finally accepting myself to be in a place in my life where I had no idea what I wanted to be career-wise (and after having passed through such options in my lifetime as veterinarian [which it's a good thing I didn't pick it because I STILL to this day cannot seem to spell it correctly], riding instructor, and counselor), I finally felt my calling to be to follow in my hero's footsteps and become a high school agricultural science teacher. Observing this woman over the next 2 years, I felt more and more certain that this was the path I was meant to take. I loved agriculture and felt I had a natural gift for teaching, plus I harbored a true passion for the FFA deep in my very soul, but I always knew that what I really admried about my teacher was that she was so much more than that. We grew quite close over the 3 years she taught me and she was always there for me no matter what. I knew if I had a problem or just needed someone to talk to, her door was always open for me and a chair always empty. She was never too busy for me and it wasn't unusual for her to stop whatever she was doing, lean back in her chair, and look me straight in the eye while I talked to her. She told me once that she heard you only absorb about 60% of what someone says when you multi-task and she wanted me to have her undivided attention; I meant that much to her. The spring semester of my junior year, my father suffered a sudden heartattack at 56 while my mother, best friend, and I were out of town for the day (in a conference with our cell phones off or silenced). I don't know all the particulars really, just that it was bad enough that he needed emergency sugery and was in the ICU for around 4 days. Not knowing what to do, think, or feel as we raced to the hospital when we finally heard the news, I called my teacher. She offered to help in any way she could, even to come to the hospital though it was far from where she lived. I declined and then called back immediately with my mind changed - I needed her. Turns out she couldn't make it but she called me every day that weekend to make sure I was alright and contacted all of my other teachers for me letting them know what happened and getting any assignments I needed. I missed school for 2 days the following week and when my sister brought me up there one afternoon just to talk to my teachers, that one kept me with her on her off period and just let me talk to her about what I was feeling (as the situation was not all that it seemed from the outside and I was very conflicted over the whole thing). I went through a lot those last two years and she was there for me through all of it. As good of a teacher of agriculture as she was and still is today, it was those things, her caring spirit, love for her students, and willingness to be there for them, that made me admire her. She went above and beyond the call of duty and for that I am forever greatful but because of that, sometimes I'm still left unsure if I really based my desire to become a teacher on all the job really entails.

A little background on me that might help all this make a little more sense: I've been through and dealt with a whole lot of crap in my life, more than anybody should ever have to and as a result have been in and out of therapy for the past 3 years with serious emotional problems. I'm a people pleaser to a fault and a perfectionist to the death. And that's just putting it mildly.
Anyway, case in point I deal with a lot of really bad stress and anxiety quite obviously and one night when I was completely overwhelmed one of my sorority sisters looked at me and said (I'm roughly quoting here) "Have you ever stopped and just thought about what you wanted? Not what you wanted to do for someone else or because of what someone did for you but just what you want for you?" I honestly couldn't be sure I had. Did I want to be a teacher because it's what I wanted, what my passion is? Or did I want it to in some round-about way repay my teacher for all she did for me? Or did I want it because I thought that, now I'd gone and told her about it and persued it, she'd be dissapointed in me if I didn't go through with it? I still don't know for sure. I know I love ag, heck it's all that kept me afloat in high school (whoops, there I go again), and I want to help the kids but if that's really the main reason I'm in it, there are lots of ways I could do that. So this is where I'm at today, plus thinking about taking up a minor in psychology so either I can help my kids better by having a better understanding of how they work and where they're comin from or I can be furthered in something else because psychology IS something that really interests me and so is helping people, especially kids who've come from bad situations or have tough stuff to deal with every day (though I admit I've never taken a college psych course and I might not love it so much after I do :P).

I really hope TKW is right and that once I hit on what it is I'm meant to do I'll know it, something I've always believed in strongly but I guess for right now I'll just have to give it a shot and wait and see.

Just another one of life's many Growing Pains...

Moving in, moving on

So I unloaded the first half of my enormous collection of stuff into my new apartment in The Ville today. I thought making 2 trips would be best since we had to move furniture and (since my father is apparently not completely evil and has decided to let me take the car and keep it for a little while) I will probably be moving the rest by myself. I also figured maybe getting to go and take some things and scope things out without having to stay would help my terrible time I always have transitioning. Surprisingly enough, it had the opposite effect; having to leave so many things half unpacked and having to jump from one life to the other and back all in the same day had me edgy and exhausted. I guess I am at the point now where I need to make a clear and complete transition. My lives are so different that I get flustered and frustrated when I have to go back and forth so suddenly. I've also always been someone who generally likes to complete the task ahead, sometimes just for the sake of completeing it. I have even been known to eat the last 30 goldfish in the bag, even if I'm full, simply because I'm so close to being done, eventhough I don't want any more and they'll still be there tomorrow; I just have that sometimes irrepressible need to finish, to close one chapter before I open another. As thought provoking as this has all been, I am still exhausted (probably due to the mere 3 or 4 hours of sleep I got last night) and feeling very...unsure I suppose, which is why I wouldn't be surprised if half of this isn't making any sense to anyone but me. Needless to say we will be doing all moving in 1 trip from now on.

From Strangers to Kindred Spirits with the Click of a Mouse

I find it so amazing the way God works sometimes! How he can bring someone in to your life totally out of the blue and yet they're exactly the person you need and they seem to understand you so much better than people you've known for years. Just such a thing happened to me last week. I was searching around on the internet and stumbled onto a site, which led me to a blog, which led me to a subscriber of that blog and in-turn to her blog. Turns out this chick is not only just totally amazing in general (not to mention probably the funniest person I've ever known) but she's been through a lot of the same kind of struggles I have, the kind no one can even begin to understand unless they've been through it too. Even weirder, our situations that led to those struggles are also eerily similar which just adds icing to the cake. Now Halley is far braver than I in that she's had a harder run with her obstacles than I have and has thus far come out way ahead of me but more than that, she's has the courage to go public with her battles, blood, scars, and all and I really admire her for that as I'm still too chicken to make that step. I've only known her for a few days but it already feels like a lifetime and she's already made such an amazing impact on my life! For the first time in my life, I have someone I can really talk to who's been where I've been and won't judge me for being there but instead hopefully help pull me out when I'm ready or if nothing else just be a listening ear when I need one which is a bigger blesing than I can express.

So anyway, probably not as exciting for anyone else as it is for me (as if other people actually read this thing anyways :P), but I felt such a special lady and an amazing person in my life deserved some recognition, along with the One who brought us together. I love you girl and you're absolutely amazing! :)

Flying Solo

So I think I've finally hit my ultimate breaking point. I mean seriously, I'm to the point where I'm so miserable, hopeless, and just plain fed up that I'm on the verge of doing something completely uncharacteristic for me -- cutting everyone off. Now I don't mean to say that I'm just going to say peace out to all my family and friends and never speak to anyone but my dog again. What I do mean however, is that I am about ready to sever all trust, hope, and emotional attachment I have for every person in my life because I'm just not certain it's worth it any more.

It seems every time I turn around, someone I either trusted or was supposed to be able to trust, has turned THEIR back on ME and just left me in the cold with a sort of good-bye and good-ridence kind of feeling. If they haven't left, they've dropped out when I needed them or skipped out on me when being there for me or helping me was inconvenient. I have one half-sibling who hates my guts, 4 other "siblings" in which 3-out-of-4 are completely MIA most or all of the time and it hardly matters because it's never going to be the same as blood siblings anyway, and my other family I have the same problem with, though the one thing they have going for them is the fact that they are the only 3 people who understand the kinda of Hell-on-Earth I live in at home. Besides my siblings, I have a best friend who seems to be getting further away by the day, grandparents who love me but are completely oblivious, one parent who seems to also hate my guts and another who apparently cares more about the other and keeping peace in the home than their child, both of whom chalk up to basically not seeming to give a sh*t 99% of the time or more, topped by an extended family who are either also oblivious or equally critical. The only ones left are my sorority sisters in which there are a few I am particularly close to but unfortunately also fit into the dumping catagory at one point or another so this is what I'm left with...me.

If it's not obvious, I have always suffered from Disinhibited Reactive Attachment Disorder, or as long as I can remember anyway so the serious consideration of giving up on everyone is not only extremely out of character, but completely against the laws of my skewed biology. Nevertheless, as depressed as it makes me, I really don't feel to have another option. I'm sick of broken promises, broken trust, and a whole ton of cases of a broken heart. I just can't do it anymore. I can't deal with any more pain. No one understands me and I rarely have anyone willing to listen anymore. I'm sorry, I know my issues get tedious as it seems they never end or even let up well you're right! That's EXACTLY right! It NEVER changes! I'm stuck in the same misery and battling the same demons day-in and day-out so people get tired of hearing about it before I get to be done dealing with it. It's like they start out super supportive and after a while they just think that it's been long enough and everything should just magically get better and I should be all happy and sunny again. Well guess what, as much as we'd BOTH love that, it's not going to happen. 19 years is a pretty good track record and with every passing year things just seem to get worse instead of better, so I'm sorry you're sick of dealing with my issues, trust me, I'm sick of living in them, way past sick in fact, but would it kill you to realize that this is WAY worse on me than it is on you and that I really REALLY need you right now? Apparently because no one can seem to realize this and cut me a break.

So this is where I stand right now - in limbo for the tim being. As much as I hate the thought of being totally alone once again, it's not like it'd be the first time. I've been pretty much completely on my own, no one coming to bat for me or even knowing what I'm going through, most of my life so it's nothing new. I delve even deeper into my "home depression" as I think about this but it's become a matter of self preservation. I hope this new counselor is good at what she does because she may be my last chance before I'm past the point of no return...

Deja Vu

Okay, so what is it with my life that something is always happening to complicate things! Another problem having to do with my previous post came up today and, though I know he wasn't meaning to, it really rubbed me the wrong way. Basically, my brother wrote on his status on Facebook that he was heartbroken so I commented saying I was sorry and did he want to talk about it and I loved him and all that. So today I get a message from him, thinking it's the story of why he was upset, only to find it's him being all like, not to offend you but please remember your public posts are seen by everybody and how bad would it look if after a fight with my girlfriend there's some young pretty girl saying he loves me and misses me and I know you look at me as a brother but not everyone knows that and BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!
I'm so sick of the lack of some stupid DNA screwing things over with the best thing I've ever had going. Why does this have to be so complicated? Am I completely one-sided or something here? Seriously! I know he wasn't meaning to offend me and from a completely, blindly objective prespective I can see his point, but my point is important to. I shouldn't have to be careful about saying I love you and I miss you to MY OWN BROTHER! All because of some stupid blood! He's adopted, he of all people should understand and yet, apparently not. I'm just venting, I guess because it hurt more than it made me mad. I guess maybe because I'm afraid with things spiralling this way, I might lose the people that mean the most to me...all because of what OTHER PEOPLE couldn't understand...

Nobody's family

Don't you hate it when something is staring you in the face and you just keep not seeing it until one day you finally do and it hits like a bombshell? Or when you ask a question or make a comment and then all too soon you find yourself wishing you could've just stayed oblivious? It sucks. Royally.

My brothers and sisters have always been my foundation. They've always been the people I love the most and I go to with anything and everything. Eventhough my family has never been thrilled about the idea of all my other siblings, I've pretty much shrugged it off and told them to get over it because this is how it is now. I guess I've known that our relationships with each other were different than that of normal siblings but I didn't ever realize what that meant because it felt the same, or at least as far as I could know. As I spent the evening with Sam and her brothers last night though, it seemed the longer I spent around them together, the more I realized just how different it was. They full-out wrestled on the floor and talked over childhood memories while Truley and I watched on the sidelines. From the moment I'd arrived I'd felt...intrusive, like I didn't belong and everyone else knew it. As the night went on, I got more comfortable with Kay and the boys but the out-of-place feeling I had kept growing. After they left and we settled down to watch Twilight, I insisted to myself that I was being silly and sensitive because things were exactly as they always had been. Laying in her bed in the dark that night, as we talked, I still couldn't get all that off my mind. I told her I liked her brothers but that I'd been nervous coming that day because I'd never met Kay or Chase before and I'd been kind of afraid they wouldn't like me because they'd feel like I was intruding. No, she replied, because they just know you as my friend because that would be weird for them if I started talking about my sister. I know they're not blood related to me, but they've been my brothers their whole lives. She even admitted that she and her mother had gotten in a fight that evening because Sam had forgotten to mention to her mom that I was coming over and apparently her mom was mad because I "wasn't family". (eventhough Truley was there and she's not family either, but that's completely not the point of this) We lay in silence for a long time as I thought. It was more one of those moments where you have something you want to say but can't seem to make your voice work.
I'll never really be a part of the family, will I? I finally asked at least not to anybody but you
You mean like with Ryan and Chase?
Everybody
No
She said it so matter-of-factly...she said she didn't care what anybody else thought, that it didn't matter to her...it shouldn't matter to me either...but for some reason it does. I think most of it's just the shock of that slap in the face where you feel so stupid and juvenile to have even entertained that idea, like you've been living in an alternate reality, but, as much as I hate it, when I woke up this morning, I felt different. I still love her as much as ever, don't get me wrong there, but it felt like there was this almost, strain or separation. She seemed to shrug the whole conversation off but I couldn't, maybe because all of a sudden I was hit with the fact that none of the people I love the very most in this world, none of my brothers and sisters, will ever really be a part of my family apart from just the 6 of us as pairs. Maybe I was afraid the bond I've been so confident in for so long is not really as strong as it seems. I don't know what it was and I'm sure it'll fade eventually but right now it hurts, as stupid as it probably sounds, which is why I'm getting it out here instead of talking to anyone I know; I don't know anyone else that could truly understand. If I talked to Sam, she'd probably get mad or at least annoyed and I don't want to bring it up with any of the others, even Allyson, the person I would normally go to with this very kind of thing, because I've learned the hard way that sometimes you're better off just being oblivious.

So as for what this means for us, I really don't know. And maybe that's the scariest thing of all...



"You'll Be In My Heart" - Phil Collins

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always

Left Behind

I know it's how things are meant to be and that I'll get used to it but that doesn't make it hurt any less. It feels like everyone is just getting farther and farther away these days and I'm left here, standing alone.

In 2 days, my 3 best church friends and I will all be together for the last time until at least Thanksgiving and I will say goodbye to Sam as she moves away to school. Katherine, Kerri, Sarah, and Sam are all moving away at once to different colleges. Katherine and I have been best friends since we were in pre-school and have never been apart like this before. I know she'll still be my best friend but she'll be 7 hours away and we won't see each other again for months. On top of that, it's my senior year of high school, my best year where I get to go to prom and do all the exciting things high school brings and I'll have to face it all without my best friend.

I know I'll see Sam every weekend and she's only 45 minutes away but that doesn't ease the pain much. I don't expect anyone to understand and I know she's ready and so excited to finally get out on her own and she's done everything right; she's doing all she can to make it okay for me but there's honestly not really anything anyone can do for me but respect the fact that I'm upset and I'll be that way for a while and just let me cope with it the way I need to. I can't explain why but it's just so hard to say goodbye eventhough it's not really goodbye.

I think part of it is just the fact that I'm losing just about everyone important to me at once. Amanda and Eddie recently moved churches so I don't see them anymore and they'll be moving to Burleson as soon as she graduates college next year and Jodi just moved to Plano, even farther away, to be near Will and her new job. It's all just happening so fast. I don't know where the time's gone and it scares me so bad. I know they're all scared too, at least in a way. Sam seems to understand and I noticed that when I've been with her lately, you can just feel it; she knows too that our time together is running out and while that makes me feel better in a way because I know she at least sort of understands, it makes it harder too. She's doing her best to show me it's not a big deal and it'll all be okay but it really does help to know it's hard for her to leave me too.
She said that the first time Katherine talks about her friends at college it'll be so hard and I'll be so angry and jelous so I'm kinda worried about that.

I'm not ready for them to go. I need more time.