Flying Solo

So I think I've finally hit my ultimate breaking point. I mean seriously, I'm to the point where I'm so miserable, hopeless, and just plain fed up that I'm on the verge of doing something completely uncharacteristic for me -- cutting everyone off. Now I don't mean to say that I'm just going to say peace out to all my family and friends and never speak to anyone but my dog again. What I do mean however, is that I am about ready to sever all trust, hope, and emotional attachment I have for every person in my life because I'm just not certain it's worth it any more.

It seems every time I turn around, someone I either trusted or was supposed to be able to trust, has turned THEIR back on ME and just left me in the cold with a sort of good-bye and good-ridence kind of feeling. If they haven't left, they've dropped out when I needed them or skipped out on me when being there for me or helping me was inconvenient. I have one half-sibling who hates my guts, 4 other "siblings" in which 3-out-of-4 are completely MIA most or all of the time and it hardly matters because it's never going to be the same as blood siblings anyway, and my other family I have the same problem with, though the one thing they have going for them is the fact that they are the only 3 people who understand the kinda of Hell-on-Earth I live in at home. Besides my siblings, I have a best friend who seems to be getting further away by the day, grandparents who love me but are completely oblivious, one parent who seems to also hate my guts and another who apparently cares more about the other and keeping peace in the home than their child, both of whom chalk up to basically not seeming to give a sh*t 99% of the time or more, topped by an extended family who are either also oblivious or equally critical. The only ones left are my sorority sisters in which there are a few I am particularly close to but unfortunately also fit into the dumping catagory at one point or another so this is what I'm left with...me.

If it's not obvious, I have always suffered from Disinhibited Reactive Attachment Disorder, or as long as I can remember anyway so the serious consideration of giving up on everyone is not only extremely out of character, but completely against the laws of my skewed biology. Nevertheless, as depressed as it makes me, I really don't feel to have another option. I'm sick of broken promises, broken trust, and a whole ton of cases of a broken heart. I just can't do it anymore. I can't deal with any more pain. No one understands me and I rarely have anyone willing to listen anymore. I'm sorry, I know my issues get tedious as it seems they never end or even let up well you're right! That's EXACTLY right! It NEVER changes! I'm stuck in the same misery and battling the same demons day-in and day-out so people get tired of hearing about it before I get to be done dealing with it. It's like they start out super supportive and after a while they just think that it's been long enough and everything should just magically get better and I should be all happy and sunny again. Well guess what, as much as we'd BOTH love that, it's not going to happen. 19 years is a pretty good track record and with every passing year things just seem to get worse instead of better, so I'm sorry you're sick of dealing with my issues, trust me, I'm sick of living in them, way past sick in fact, but would it kill you to realize that this is WAY worse on me than it is on you and that I really REALLY need you right now? Apparently because no one can seem to realize this and cut me a break.

So this is where I stand right now - in limbo for the tim being. As much as I hate the thought of being totally alone once again, it's not like it'd be the first time. I've been pretty much completely on my own, no one coming to bat for me or even knowing what I'm going through, most of my life so it's nothing new. I delve even deeper into my "home depression" as I think about this but it's become a matter of self preservation. I hope this new counselor is good at what she does because she may be my last chance before I'm past the point of no return...