A Wedding and a Funeral

I knew this time would come. There was never a time I doubted we'd be here. Still though, I don't think I ever really prepared myself or even gave much thought at all to what it would feel like, what it would really mean.

My sister is getting married. Exactly a month from today, she will be a married woman. She's happy, I can see that on her face, hear it in her voice. I've been with her through 2 boyfriends (including her now fiance') out of the only 3 she's ever had, a terrible break up, lots of crushes, just as many let downs, both giddy excitement and bitter dissapointment. I was one of the first calls she made the day after she slipped that ring on her finger (and long before she changed her relationship status on Facebook). I was the one she called when she was at an impass with what she wanted as a bride and felt obligated to as a friend and sister. I know how much she loves this man and because of all that, I've never wanted anything but true love and perfect happiness for the best big sister I've ever had that's been so much more than just that, so in that I'm happy for her and want this as much as she does but I can't turn a blind eye to what it's going to mean for me, for her and I as sisters.

One of the most valuable things I've ever learned in the four years I've been in and out of therapy is that feelings are not a crime and don't need to be appologized for. I have every right in the world to feel however I want and there's nothing wrong with that, it's what we choose to do with them, and what we choose to let them do to us, that brings wrong into the picture. I recognize that while I want what's best for my sister and what will make her happy which means I want this marriage very much, I also recognize that in a way this thing that is a wedding for her and David is a funeral of sorts for the two of us.

I don't mean of course that we won't be sisters anymore come July 10, 2011, of course I know that's not going to happen, I know that, but still even she can't deny that come July 10th, things are going to be radically changed and stay different forever on. The time she and I have together, just the two of us, which is already almost non-existent what with my school and her work and us living at least a couple of hours away from each other, will be, how did she put it?...difficult. Our sleepovers filled with musicals and nail painting or shirt making and girl talk will be a thing of the past. Suddenly her life and what she does with it won't just be up to her anymore. And this is only the beginning. Next thing I know she'll be having a baby and if there's one thing I've learned through my many years of having adult friends, having kids is the end-all be-all for everything and everyone else. Once someone has a child their life, choices, schedule, all of it REALLY isn't their own anymore. Suddenly she'll never have the time or freedom to do anything and if I need her for an emergency in the middle of the night, or any time for that matter, like when my dad had his heartattack, the chances she'll be able to be there are slim to none. And let's not even start with what these kids are going to call me...

Sometimes I feel like because she did everything first, in the three years it takes me to get there, she sometimes forgets how important something is or what it's like to be in that place in your life. She tries, I know she does. She loves me and because of that, she tries to use the wisdom and perspective she gains in those three years to help me avoid her mistakes or learn lessons faster but along the way she tends to forget that I was with her three years ago. I remember what she was like then and when she was in the time in her life that I'm in now, she was just like me. She struggled in the same ways I did and had to learn the same way I'm having to but it's like she's forgotten all of that. It's like she's forgotten what it felt like to be here and what everyone else's advice like she's giving me now sounded like to her then. But I remember. We became sisters officially four years ago this month. She was nineteen. I just turned twenty less than a month ago. Eventhough it feels like a lifetime ago and she has learned and grown so much since then, I still remember like it was yesterday that stubborn, oppinionated, frustrated nineteen year old fighting so many demons. While I'm glad for who she is today and wouldn't trade her for the world, just as I know as best as I can that this marriage is the right thing for her, I can't help but wish for parts of that first year back. In those days when she was still living nearby, going to the community college, we talked online and/or txted almost every single day. We always knew what was going on in the other one's life and were the first person each called if they were confused, frustrated, excited, or needed a sounding board. I met boyfriends and prospects and she threatened my prom date with violence after he tried to back out on me. She cheered me up when I was sick and calmed her when she was worried. She was there for me during the most confusing time in my entire life and I was there for her during one of the only times I've ever seen her cry. We conquered the frightening step of starting therapy together and each scared the other on at least one occassion when behind the wheel. We confessed our deepest and darkest secrets and loved each other through them. She loved me, care for me, protected me, and took me under her wing when no one else ever had and through that is bonded to me for life.

The distance put between us by first her going off to college and then my following suit has been sneaky and steady, turning a sharp pain into a dull ache and letting us forget what things used to be like when we were on the forefront of each other's lives. I guess now I'm realizing that this wedding ensures like the last nail in a coffin that I won't ever get any of that back. Come July 10th, things will never have a chance of being like they were again, though they've been so different for years. I guess part of this aching in the pit of my stomach is regret. Letting so much time go by without talking or being together, letting that distance grow and the little time we had left just the two of us slip away completely.

I know change is a natural part of life and can't be prevented or stopped but regardless it's never been a phenomenon I've been particularly fond of. My sister has been the most important and influential person in my life these past four years and I guess I let myself believe up to now that because getting married is a natural part of life and it's what she's always wanted that it wouldn't or shouldn't bother me if I didn't let it or didn't think about it. I think I've found that all I've really done is surprised myself, the way you do when you're going down the steps in the dark and you think there's one more step than there is, or you forget how close you are to the edge and accidentally roll off the bed, or when you pick up the wrong glass or forget what you're drinking and don't get the flavor you expect on your tongue. I suppose right now, realizing the day that both of our lives are different forever is only a month away, I feel something like that...