Grief

I'm still not 100% sure I'm ready to write this, but I just got off the phone with Mandy and I'm feeling probably as good as I will in a while, so I think I'm going to try it now:

As I look at the photos of her and reading her sister's memories, I try to imagine who she was. I picture a beautiful and kind-hearted woman who was always fashionable but at the same time had a sort of natural beauty that shown through so bright that she didn't even really need fancy clothes or make-up to be beautiful. I picture someone who would listen patiently on the phone for hours while her sister or close friend sobbed about life or a really bad day, not saying anything or being judgmental, just listening and being there, on the other side of the convorsation so that, when the other person was finally silent, she could gently assure them she understood them with a heart so full of compassion that she still, even with the crying on the other end of the line, couldn't help but smile because she loved them so much and was so happy, just to be talking to them. The Alli I picture was always smiling, as if she knew some secret to life that no one else could see that made everything happy and worth it, just by being; Someone who appreciated everything, even the little things that normally go un-noticed, in life and enjoys the simple things like just a Christmas or weekend with the people she loved. I think of her as someone so strong, always a shoulder to cry on, and never let anyone see her sweat. No matter how bad things got, she kept her chin up because she knew people depended on her. She appreciated every day and lived life to the fullest, dedicated to what and who she loved with all she was and always put others before herself, never complaining about things being hard or unfair. The Alli I see is a compassionate, giving, loving, happy, faithful, dedicated, beautiful, selfless woman of God and "an Angel among men."
Mostly though, I picture Alli as someone who, if she were here with me right now, would take me into her arms, hold me tight and rock me back-and-forth gently saying "shhh...it's okay...I'm here...don't cry...everything's going to be alright..." She'd stroke my hair, wipe the tears from my cheeks and just let me cry, for as long as I needed. Then, she'd pull my chin up so my eyes met her and she'd smile at me, a smile so warm and filled with so much love, that, through my tears, I'd smile back at her. Then she'd pull me back to her and keep holding me and rocking me, as if she'd never let go; as if time were stopped for us and nothing else in the world mattered or existed at that moment except me and her. We'd sit there for a long time, just being together. I'd stay curled in her arms, laying my head on her shoulder until it grew dark. Then she'd fold the bed down and let me in beside her and I'd fall asleep, her arm around me, nestled in her warmth and love.
On December 9, 2005, an unkown brain tumor took the life of young Allison Gail Wells and her unborn baby daughter.
Alli, her sister, Mandy, and her brother, Aaron, were practically my mom's other children, as she babysat them alot for alot of years. I met Mandy just before Allison's death in March 2005 and love her dearly, like another big sister, yet I never got to meet Allison. Because I never met her, the grief I sufferd following her death suprised me. I was so upset and yet, how could I be? After all, I'd never even met her. REgardless, I was extensivly upset, though that was at bay for a bit. This past week, however, the grief has returned again, almost as intense a year and a half later as it was just after her death. I'm told we were alot alike, Alli & I. I hope this is true. It would make me feel closer to her. Often after her death, as I said my prayers at night, I'd ask God to please say hello Allison and her baby for me and tell them that I love them, yet as I said that, I felt as if God had stepped back and let me say it directly to them myself. I've often, especially this past week, felt Allison telling me things like "Oh Sweetheart. It's alright. I'm right here." I think she knows me now and she understands how I'm feeling and she loves me, like her little sister.
I miss Allison in my heart every single day and I don't know why, but I feel I always will and I will always grieve. I think what I felt and still feel is a dampened version of losing a sister. Though I didn't know Allison, I know Mandy and I considered them both practically my big sisters so I think it was, in a way, as if I'd lost a sister, just not as intense as Mandy felt it.
When you lose someone, you know you'll see them again in Heaven and you know Heaven is way better than here on Earth where you are and people tell you that in an attempt to comfort you, but that doesn't make you feel better. So many times this week what I've wanted to do about this was just sit in here with Alli's photo and "Alli Bear" and listen to a song I dubbed Allison's-the insturmental version of "We Fall Down".
I've wished so many times over the course of the past few days that I could see Alli and talk to her, like when Angels come to earth or that I could be with her in a dream.
Earlier tonight, my friend Jodi tried to help me because she knew I was hurting, but, for once, I didn't want to talk to Jodi. I didn't really want to talk to anyone because "talking won't being Alli back", though I dug her sister's cell phone number out of my phone, checked the time difference, and took a dive. Thanks to the Lord, Mandy picked up and I got to tell her how I was feeling and talk to the only person on Earth that I felt could help me and that I wanted to talk to because she'd been through it exactly, just most intensly.
I still grive for Alli and, to some extent, think I always will in my heart. I lost a "sister" that day and that's something that I don't believe will ever fully heal, made worse by the fact that I never got to know her for myself. Still, I love her and I know she loves me now too because now she knows me and she knows how I feel and how much I love her.
Alli will always remain in my heart and I'll honor her memory with the words to the insturmental that I named hers:

We fall down
We lay our crowns
At the feet
Of Jesus

The greatness of
Mercy and love
At the feet
Of Jesus

And we cry
Holy, holy, holy
We cry
Holy, holy, holy
We cry
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lamb

**Another song that makes me think of Alli everytime I hear it is "When I Get Where I'm Goin'" by: Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton. I'm actually done a slideshow in her memory to this song, though it's currently incomplete.**

To Alli: I love you and I miss you so much. I wish I could've known you while you were alive, but you know me and love me now and we'll meet one day and finally be together. I know you're watching over me always and I'll do my best to make you proud. I'll never forget you...my "big sister".
Love Always,
Your "little sister", Emily